KEY POINTS:
If doesn't matter how much GM Premium Brands - the new division of Holden assigned to handle the Hummer brand - tries to justify its new military-inspired H3, there will always be plenty of PC ammunition to shoot it down.
The H3 is actually quite compact - shorter than a Ford Territory, in fact, said the GM people at the media launch for the machine.
True, but it's also incredibly wide. In fact, the dimensions provided by GM for the H3 quoted a width excluding the flared wheelarches - you know, those things permanently attached to the vehicle - to keep it under that all-intimidating two-metre mark.
The H3 is far from a fuel guzzler given its size and two-tonne-plus weight, says GM - the manual-transmission version manages 13.9 litres per 100km in Australian Design Rules government-mandated testing, which isn't bad for a 3.7-litre petrol-powered off-roader.
True, but you're still drinking a lot of petrol no matter which way you look at it. More to the point, you'd get better performance and vastly more planet-friendly economy with a diesel engine, which is why the Kiwi off-roader market is predominantly compression-ignition powered. But there won't be a diesel option for the new Hummer until this time next year.
You're wrong to judge the H3 solely in terms of on-road dynamics, says GM. It's a hard-core off-machine and a highly capable one at that.
Tru, mud-plugging is essential to the credibility of the brand, just as it is with Jeep and Land Rover. But the fact remains that most people will drive their H3s on-road or, more accurately, down to the shops.
The arguments could go on for days, but the fact remains that you're either a Hummer person or you're not.
If you are, the designer-camo image and outrageous looks will have you hooked. If you're not, the H3 is an offensive, irrelevant machine and nothing will convince you otherwise.
GM Premium Brands certainly made an effort to showcase the H3's strengths on the Melbourne-based media launch for the model.
City driving was kept to a minimum, we never really had to park the thing, and we spent most of the time thrashing along gravel roads and up low-speed rocky slopes and mud tracks - or, in some cases, falling off them.
As expected, the H3 is an impressive and highly focused vehicle in those circumstances - even the show-pony $70,990 Luxury automatic model has real off-road credentials as does the $61,990 entry model. The $68,990 Adventure version, with a low-range transfer case, "crawler" gearing and locking rear differential, is awesome.
On-road time was limited, but adequate to learn that sealed roads aren't kind to the H3. It's substantially more stable than a Dodge Nitro or Jeep Wrangler through corners, but the steering is pretty approximate and the live rear axle fidgets excessively on mid-corner bumps. On a long cruise you might also have the time to take in the cheap interior plastics, cramped cabin (the rear seat is terrible) and poor visibility from that low-set roofline.
Kiwis aren't shy about their off-roaders, so it's likely anti-4WD loonies will have less of an impact on this side of the Tasman.
The most damaging thing for the H3 in New Zealand could be the conspicuous presence of used-import Hummers (H3 and other models) already on the roads. It's a specialised, fashion-conscious machine for which the early-adopters have been happy to pay plenty. It might be the case that those who really want a Hummer already have one.
Yes, it's easy to poke fun. The Hummer H3 doesn't really make sense and is highly unlikely to sell in anything other than tiny numbers in New Zealand. You're either a Hummer person or you're not, and I can't wait to cruise around Auckland in one, by the way.
