Walking the journey together: Woman organises gathering of widows after personal tragedy

Shelley Gilmartin at Madame Social in Napier, where she will host the first widow's meet-up on February 20. Photo / Rafaella Melo

It’s the company of others that gets you through it.

After nearly seven years of learning how to live with the isolation of losing her husband, Napier woman Shelley Gilmartin is bringing widows in the region together to ensure no one walks that same journey alone.

Widowed in her mid-40s when her husband Matthew died suddenly in his sleep from a cardiac arrest in 2019, Gilmartin is now hosting what she hopes will become a monthly meet-up for widows in Hawke’s Bay.

“One of the biggest things for me is that it was such an isolating experience,” she said.

“I didn’t know anybody who had lost their husband that way. It was just really lonely.”

Gilmartin had been living in Wellington at the time of Matthew’s death.

Their children were just 4 and 6.

She was sleeping in her daughter’s room that night, as her daughter was unwell.

She returned to the master bedroom in the morning to find Matthew had died.

“That’s a shock I will never get over,” she said.

The trauma stayed with her for years. She said she spent countless nights checking on her children repeatedly to make sure they were breathing.

“I was suddenly alone with two little kids. It was horrendous.”

Shelley Gilmartin with her late husband Matthew, who died suddenly in 2019.

Gilmartin moved to Hawke’s Bay in late 2021.

“I felt like a weight had come off my shoulders,” she said.

Two years ago, she remarried a man called Andy, who she says has been fully supportive of her ongoing grief and of her desire to help others.

“People think, ‘you’ve got a new partner, you’re fine now’, but that’s not how it works,” she said.

“I’m still grieving the man I lost. But I’m also happy, and that’s okay ... it’s okay to be happy after this tragedy, and it’s okay to move on with your life.”

Shelley Gilmartin and her husband Andy on their wedding day two years ago.

Gilmartin says she knows too well the fear, anxiety and guilt that come with widowhood, including the feelings carried by her children.

“They feel guilty because they can’t remember him clearly,” she said.

“We’ve got photos of Matthew around the house. I talk about him all the time. I want to make sure he still lives on in my kids.”

Gilmartin said she felt widows often faced judgment from society, and that sense of isolation was one of the driving forces behind creating the meetup.

After posting about the event on Facebook, the response surprised her.

Within a week, more than 40 women said they planned to attend, with dozens more sending private messages.

“I’ve had a woman from Auckland saying she saw my post and is thinking of flying down for it. I’ve had another woman saying, ‘my daughter in London saw your post, and she got in touch with me about it, and I’d like to come along.’

“It seems to have really struck a nerve with people.”

The gathering will be strictly widows-only, and she chose a local eatery and bar as the venue for a relaxed setting.

“It’s about connecting, not counselling,” she said.

“Just a couple of hours where you can leave feeling a little lighter.”

She hopes the group may continue monthly, but says the direction will be decided collectively.

The first widow meet-up will be held at Madame Social in Napier on February 20 at 5pm.