Toys for grownups

You may not want to know this, but chances are your mum is not only acquainted with sex toys, she owns one or two and enjoys them. ELEANOR BLACK reports.

Friday lunchtime in central Auckland. A pair of office workers hurrying down Wyndham St towards one of a handful of cafes and convenience stores suddenly stop outside an adult shop, pulled up short by a mannequin wearing a sheer black bra-and-panties set and ginger plaits.

She is standing on a sheepskin rug, a tall lamp with a green shade lighting up the wall behind her and a teacup sitting nearby on an occasional table, which has seen better days. But the real attention-grabber is the set of knitting needles and pink wool in her hands.

The peculiarly unsexy set-up is not intended to entice the men in suits standing on the pavement laughing. It is meant to reassure women of a certain age that sex shops have changed.

Middle-aged women are an emerging and highly lucrative market for adult shops. With a little encouragement from racy television shows such as Sex and the City - which features four sexually confident women in their mid-to late-30s and early-40s who are pleased to please themselves - legions of confident women have headed straight to the door of the closest sex shop.

What they found when they gathered the nerve was a new approach to selling x-rated gewgaws and gizmos, and new kinds of gizmos. Most important, these women found that someone, finally, was willing to treat them like sexually aware grown-ups and not just props in someone else's fantasy.

Industry insiders say that in the past five years their typical customer has shifted, as more middle-aged and older women take control of their sex lives and stop feeling embarrassed.

Smart retailers have responded by transforming their shops into welcoming spaces filled with light and colour, where women can choose from racks of impressively engineered vibrators - the No 1 seller by far - with the help of a discreet, often female, shop assistant.

Gone are the prominent displays of surprised-looking blow-up dolls and accessories feeding the Lolita syndrome. Gone, too, are the creeps in trenchcoats. And little wonder - adult erotica is a $100 million industry in New Zealand and half of the people buying are women.

The Den in Newmarket is one of the new generation of adult shops, a place where gingham and lace sit comfortably alongside leather and synthetic mesh.

The day I walked through its studded purple doors I was greeted by two mannequins wearing fluffy tube tops and mini skirts in pink and blue, offset by barbed-wire necklaces and shiny hair.

They had the desired effect. I laughed away my lingering nervousness and headed up the stairs, where I found more mannequins sitting around in pretty lingerie and sheer robes trimmed with soft feathers.

Racks of tasteful underwear were displayed next to corselets with missing bra cups and complicated lacing, evidently what men prefer their partners to wear. The women's half of the shop, closest to the cash register, was bright and not scary, with the exception of some fetish shoes with stilettos that would scar any floor. The men's section was a different little world, more explicit and not a place I wanted to linger.

"Women like sexy/pretty. Guys do raunchy," explained Michele Jones, the bouncy, likeable 40-year-old who runs The Den with her husband Adrian. "Women know what women want. Men don't know what women want."

Wearing a demure white shirt and long grey skirt with red trainers, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, Jones did not resemble the dominatrix I had been half expecting.

But when I asked about a rack of whips and paddles in the women's part of the store, she encouraged me to lash my hand. Not wanting to be the prude in the sex shop, I chose a long, purple suede example with fringed ends and was pleased to find that, as Jones promised, it did not hurt but did make a no-nonsense whishy sound.

It wasn't exactly titillating, but everyone has their personal thrill, explained Jones. Plus, at 27, I was too young to understand. Women don't reach their sexual peak until their late-30s or early-40s, which probably goes a long way towards explaining why women in this age group are lining up to buy naughty knick-knacks.

"A 60-year-old woman came in with her 30-year-old daughter, who was here to buy a vibrator," said Jones, sharing one of several stories. "They both walked out with the same vibrator. It's a big step for New Zealand."

Besides acting as a cleancut cheerleader for these women, Jones entices them into the Den's three Auckland shops by organising kitsch window displays which hint at a shop interior which is less crotchless panties and paddles, more feather boas and fans.

"People take sex far too seriously," said Jones. "There's nothing that should be scary. If it's scary you shouldn't be doing it."

Clinical psychologist Lisa St Martin says the efforts of feminists over the past 40 years have helped to normalise a broad range of sexual practises, including masturbation and the sex toys which make it that much easier.

In the United States, forward-thinking marketers are increasingly associating sex toys with domesticity - which is where the knitting comes in. "Sexual fulfilment for women is coming right out of the closet," said St Martin.

Dr Helen Conaglen, a sex psychologist, believes media coverage of sex issues allows public discussion of subjects which were once considered taboo or were shared only with intimates.

"It has become an acceptable topic for the media to discuss everything from Bill Clinton [and his sexual liaisons with various women] to Senator Bob Dole's erectile dysfunction."

In the US, erotica has become available to women in ever more mainstream venues over the past 30 years, according to Dr Jane Juffer, a women's studies professor at the University of Illinois.

Her book, At Home With Pornography, argues that even lingerie catalogues, with their photographs of women wearing bits of lace and not much else, bring erotica into the home, paving the way for more daring by your average happy housewife.

It seems New Zealand is following the trend, albeit at a slower pace.

For those women who are not yet comfortable striding into their closest adult shop, a staggering array of sexy accessories is available online, although many older women prefer to see what they are getting and take advice from sales staff. Some businesses cater to both needs, privacy and hands-on experimentation, with sex-toy parties.

One of the most successful is d.vice, an internet stockist which has opened a shop in Wellington and organises parties in Auckland, Hamilton and Wellington. Wendy Lee, one of three directors, says her goal is to provide information in a non-threatening environment.

When she hosts a sex-toy party, she gives a presentation on how to find the G-spot before demonstrating toys and allowing the curious to handle them. "We're very matter of fact. We're not embarrassed about the topic."

Lee says sex gear used to be primarily designed by men, who did not have firsthand knowledge of what might be fun for a woman. Now, more women like herself are designing toys which they like, assuming their customers will feel the same.

Steve Crow, who owns the adult products wholesaler Vixen Direct, thinks racier television programming has provided positive examples of sexy older women to which others aspire. Vixen is the company behind the annual Erotica Adult Lifestyle Expo, which started in 2000 and last year attracted 23,000 visitors and made $2.2 million in four days. The oldest visitor was an 81-year-old Napier woman who turned up with her daughter and granddaughter and spent $50.

Crow believes the self-assured New Yorkers on Sex and the City, the Wellington lawyer who throws in her job to run a male strip club on The Strip and the scores of secure actresses who discuss "down there" in theatre productions of The Vagina Monologues have crashed through traditional barriers.

Stella, 48, an office administrator, became a regular adult shop customer three years ago after reading a magazine article about a writer's first-time experience. Before that Stella viewed them as "seedy, unwelcoming and not prepared to target women like me", following an "unsavoury" experience at an old-style sex shop in K Rd catering to gay men.

"The man behind the counter was such a sleaze bucket. And the toys - they were dreaming."

Nervous about venturing into a second adult shop, she took a girlfriend with her. As they were shown around, they soon got over their giggles and both bought something. Now Stella regularly introduces female friends to the shop.

"It only takes one person to admit they have a toy and it's okay. It's this kind of club . . . People are surprised when they find out, except my friends. They know I am passionate."

Shelley, 47, first shopped for adult products six years ago when a friend who had lived in Amsterdam - where the many sex shops are so popular they are part of the tourist trail - took her to a K Rd shop.

Shelley, who works in information technology, was uncomfortable with the experience but persevered. Dinner and drinks followed by adult shopping became a once-a-year ritual. She takes friends, male partners and goes alone, occasionally buying gifts for female friends.

Crow loves seeing women like these checking out the merchandise at his Auckland warehouse, not least because older women spend a lot more on themselves than their male partners. A man buying a vibrator for his partner might spend $20 on a hard plastic model in the shape of a bullet. His lover will spend $200 on one with a rotating head, moving beads trapped under a layer of soft silicone, and two attachments.

"Some guys lack imagination," he says with a laugh, "or think maybe she'll have too good a time with this."