Toby Manhire: Meaty cyber leaks from English's inbox

Notorious New Zealand cyber-warlord Lambshank dressed as a lampshade and tiptoed undetected into the prime minister's office. Illustration / Guy Body

At the height of global panic around the WannaCry ransomware cryptoworm this week, notorious New Zealand cyber-warlord Lambshank dressed as a lampshade and tiptoed undetected into the prime minister's office. She scrawled on a 1B5 pad the contents of his inbox, and immediately forwarded the materials to your correspondent via an alternative fax. Here are the excerpts that matter.

From Alfred Ngaro
Thanks for the message, Bill. I fully understand, boss, and it won't happen again. It is indeed true that I unleashed at the party conference the other day a lolly scramble of threats about government funding of organisations and showing disrespect and taking funding off the table, and I can tell you, from the bottom of my heart, that I humbly, unequivocally and deeply regret those comments being made public.

From Steven Joyce
Only four months to go, and we're playing around with a few ideas for the campaign tune. We want something modern, or "funky". Something a bit of boom, boom, boom, boom. Something pretty legal.

Here's what I've got so far. It's you, in a navy suit, standing on a Team Key car, staring down the barrel of the camera. And, sing: "I do my walk-run on the Tinakori Hill / The order, it goes walk, run, walk, then standing still / I get back to the office, wanna scream the truth / You think a Red-Green-Winston coalition is a plausible government to ensure a stable economic outlook for ordinary New Zealanders going forward, you're such a damn liar / So honey I'll be votin' blue, in September / I'm waiting for it, that blue light, I want it (x8)."

From Alfred Ngaro
Thanks for the message, sir. No, don't think there's anything much to cause concern. Except maybe for GNS Science. Gave them a bit of a bollocking. No more big earthquakes in election year, I told them, or all the things they are doing are off the table. No media there, so should be fine. And think about it: how many big earthquakes have there been since?

From President Donald J Trump
Theresa, honey, listen, okay, don't go crazy about the Five Eye Spy Team, believe me, everything is fine, I said some things to save some people's lives, that's my right, people's lives, Theresa, so sad, did you see their faces on the TV, unbelievable, I saw it on the TV, and by the way this is not easy, not easy being president, everyone is so crooked and so mean, and unfair, the unfairest, believe me the unfairest of all time, on the TV, unbelievable, not fair, so mean, crooked, failing, so mean, so unfair, where blankie, want blankie, meanies, not fair, Donald go home Donald want blankie.

From Alfred Ngaro
Thanks for the message, boss. I get it. One other thing. Earlier in the year I stormed over to the Shortland Street studios in a fit of rage. Tone down the subversive dick-pic storyline, I roared, staring Dr Chris Warner in the eye. They said they're not funded by New Zealand on Air any more and I said, maybe not but what about the DPB funding? Eh, Doctor Warner? It's off the table, Warner, I said. Off the table.

From Paula Bennett
How's Japan? You must be having a blast! Everything is fine here, acting prime minister Paula Bennett so got this. Just been watching the Jenny Shipley 9th Floor episode, actually, really interesting to learn how she went about becoming prime minister. Lol only joking! Joking! Chill out, Jim, just joking.

From Nick Smith
Having a bit of trouble, mate. The electricity doesn't seem to be connected at this bach you got for me. Lovely place, but a long way from anywhere, so far away, and to be honest it feels a bit like a prison, mostly because of the barbed wire and the guards and the general existential gloom. I'm standing out in the rain to get a signal here, and you did ask that I go and have a bit of time away to focus on new policy ideas, but without the internet how can I read the Labour Party website? Oh shit now the battery is d ...

From Alfred Ngaro
Thanks for the message, me old capo di tutti capi. Hear what you're saying, I do, but I'm fuming about that John Oliver segment. Who does he think he is? Went round to the British High Commission and told them if their pommie smart-arse friends keep bagging us then all the things they are doing are off the table. Also sent a message to HBO, just reminding them that people need the internet to see those clips, and guess who runs the internet?

From Gerry Brownlee
In diplomacy, Bill, words matter, as you so generously pointed out recently to an experienced minister who was doing his very best to correct the grievous errors of a predecessor, but as well as words, culture matters in diplomacy. What I'm saying is this: enjoy your All Blacks tour of Japan, but don't try any of those cute Southern sheep-shearer's pasta variations on the sashimi. Wars have started over less.

From Winston Peters
There you are over in Japan trumpeting a dead as a dodo TPP, and doing it in a country that is demonstrably full of Asians. I have attached two documents: an article about George Forbes, who became prime minister in 1930 as leader of the smaller party in the United-Reform coalition; and a plot synopsis from the Danish documentary Borgen.

From President Donald J Trump
U got my blankie, Malcolm?

From Alfred Ngaro
Come to think of it, who does run the internet?