John Key will enjoy a boost in popular support following a breakfast radio stunt in which he prank-calls the White House and swallows a live goldfish. Photo / Dean Purcell
John Key will enjoy a boost in popular support following a breakfast radio stunt in which he prank-calls the White House and swallows a live goldfish. Photo / Dean Purcell
Move over Nostradamus, here's Toby Manhire's sure-thing predictions for the year.
Well done. You have made it to 2016. This is of course the time of year characterised by honours lists, backed-up traffic, hangover cures, dewy-eyed nostalgia, more traffic, and earnest but inevitably wafer-deep pledges to become a healthier and more worthy human being.
It is a significant moment, too, forchin-stroking columnists to presage the 12 months that lie in store. Here are mine. They are all based on science.
1 John Key will enjoy a boost in popular support following a breakfast radio stunt in which he prank-calls the White House and swallows a live goldfish.
2 The Briscoes Lady will announce their biggest sale ever.
3 For the first time, an international celebrity will say something about New Zealand but New Zealand will just sort of shrug and say, "whatever".
4 Gareth Morgan will change his mind about cats after nursing an injured tabby back to fitness.
5 Suboptimal pathways will be repurposed.
6 The Labour Party and the Green Party will announce a co-ordinated campaign committee to prepare for the 2017 election using bafflingly woolly language.
7 Winston Peters will reveal he is in possession of information that could bring down the Government.
8 Maurice Williamson will chuck in the towel and grow a luscious beard.
9 In Fight for Life, Paul Henry will square up against Sean Plunket, both dressed in leotards printed with their choice of flag.
10 John Banks will continue to deny any suggestion he has come down the river in a cabbage boat.
12 There will be cinematic triumphs for directors Alison Maclean, Taika Waititi and David Farrier.
13 An administrative error will see Maurice Williamson appointed captain of the NZ cricket team.
14 A newsreader will accidentally describe the Super City mayoral election as "Auckland's choice - Cough or Groan".
15 TV3 executives will express grave disappointment at NZ On Air's refusal to fund its exciting new series NutriFactor, in which breakfast radio celebrities compete to impress a panel of judges and the audience at home with their sales pitch for a blender.
17 The top of US presidential hopeful Donald Trump's head will pop open and several hundred bright pink scorpions will stream out, chain-smoking and singing Billie Holiday hits.
Act leader David Seymour will squander the advances of 2015 by launching a controversial campaign to introduce Sharia law for anyone found issuing <i>Star Wars</i> spoilers. Photo / Supplied
18 A rowdy month-long "hoverboard" hikoi will descend upon Fujitsu's Wellington HQ to demand a new series of Fleming-Astle heatpump commercials.
19 Hot on the heels of the celebrity exposé of 2015, in which Mike Hosking was snapped vacuuming his car, an online gossip sheet will publish exclusive pictures of ruggedly handsome Fair Go star Gordon Harcourt purchasing a box of camomile tea from his local dairy.
20 You will change your mind about a thing.
21 A dramatic final twist in the Kim Dotcom saga will see a high-profile politician embroiled in scandal.
22 The Briscoes Lady will be appointed leader of the Conservative Party.
23 There will be a nationwide shortage of a beloved NZ food product.
24 After a coach packed with foreign tourists suffers engine trouble in a blizzard on Arthur's Pass, helicopter pilot Richie McCaw will be first to the breakdown.
25 Facebook users will pen lengthy diatribes denouncing Prime Minister John Key and broadcaster Mike Hosking.
26 Act leader David Seymour will squander the advances of 2015 by launching a controversial campaign to introduce Sharia law for anyone found issuing Star Wars spoilers.
27 A major public IT project will spiral into crisis, prompting demands for a ministerial resignation.
In Fight for Life, Helen Clark will square up against Kevin Rudd to decide the Australasian contender for UN Secretary-General. Photo / Mark Graham
29 A New Zealand author will make the Man Booker longlist.
30 Everyone will agree that it's been fun and interesting and even really useful at times but if you weigh everything up, it's better that we shut down the internet.
31 Following a lengthy investigation, Dom and Jay Jay will reveal that the mysterious sound the Prime Minister makes at question time is an elaborate prank involving an inflatable mattress and Bill English.
32 In Fight for Life, Helen Clark will square up against Kevin Rudd to decide the Australasian contender for UN Secretary-General.
35 Hardworking Kiwis will continue to be unreasonably privileged in political discourse over those who are medium-working or idle.
36 John Key will enjoy a boost in popular support following a breakfast radio stunt involving a New Lynn sculpture and a flaming sambuca that leaves him hospitalised for several weeks.
37 The All Blacks will be used as an analogy to explain something.
38 Politicians will overuse the prefix "cyber".
39 John Key will cheekily change Richie McCaw's name on his phone to "Sir Richie McCaw".
40 In early February New Zealanders will debate the contemporary relevance of Waitangi Day.
41 In early November New Zealanders will debate the regulation of fireworks.
42 Public relations practitioners will reach out.
43 The Green Party will demand inquiries.
44 People will take to Twitter.
45 John Key will make a major announcement about his future leadership plans.
46 TV3 executives will express grave disappointment at NZ On Air's refusal to fund its exciting new series Private Members, a clip show showcasing the week's most hilarious examples of senior politicians discussing their genitals on breakfast radio.
48 Following several rewrites of the screenplay, it will be announced the film about Richie McCaw is to be split into three feature-length parts, following his global mission to win the World Cup while eluding the frothy-mouthed pursuit of David Pocock, the MasterCard man, John Key and the Briscoes Lady.
49 In the Fight for Life celebrity boxing pageant, Colin Craig will square up against the new leader of the Conservative Party, Mr X.
50 A New Lynn sculpture will be appointed leader of the Conservative Party.
ONZ rugby team bursting with talent... and one All Black
Richie McCaw has sidestepped becoming a "sir" after all. Photo / Brett Phibbs
Richie McCaw has sidestepped becoming a "sir" after all: he says he's not comfortable with the title but, given the helicopter-flanker's recent admission he is scared of horses, it's little wonder the "knight" thing gives him the willies.
In any case, McCaw goes one better, joining the Order of New Zealand, a pantheon limited to 20 living New Zealanders (plus "additional members").
It seems fitting, you know, for charity, that the glittering ONZers gather to play a game of rugby, so here's a team sheet.
Fullback is artist Cliff Whiting, a safe pair of hands. On the right wing, former PM Jim Bolger, and union leader Ken Douglas on the left. Former PM Mike Moore is at centre, with Don McKinnon his inside partner. Architect Miles Warren stands in the crucial first-five position, with a barefoot Peter Jackson providing dazzling ball from halfback, even if he sometimes takes forever to get the ball in the scrum.
No8 and captain is Richie McCaw, playing out of position to accommodate the stellar loose forward pairing of opera singers Kiri Te Kanawa and Malvina Major, who will together lead the haka. Former governor-general Cath Tizard (84) will lock alongside the Duke of Edinburgh (94), though one will be replaced at halftime by theologian Lloyd Geering, a more senior figure at 97. In the front row, writers Albert Wendt and CK Stead will outwit their opponents, with Jonathan Hunt the colossus at hooker.
The coaching team will feature Helen Clark, Brian Lochore and Murray Halberg, with scientist Peter Gluckman in charge of fitness and poisoning.
