The unauthenticated diary of Key's Pacific tour

All Black great Michael Jones, who was part of the PM's delegation, had time for a game of touch in Rarotonga. Photo / Getty Images

Claire Trevett reveals the unauthenticated diary of Prime Minister John Key on his first tour of the Pacific Islands.

TUESDAY MORNING

Okey, dokey here we go. Up, up and away in my beautiful Boeing. I feel the need for a trip song. Magical Mystery Tour? Send in the Clowns? No, with all this aid money I've got tucked in my suitcase I feel like Santa on his sleigh, so Twelve Days of Christmas it is. "Seven hip-hop dancers, six NGO leaders, five radio reporters, four church leaders, three mayors from areas with high populations of Pacific Islanders, two former All Blacks, and a Prime Minister in a Boeing." My only fear is that my jokes won't translate well if there are cultural barriers to understanding. And Bill's face when he sees the cost.

TUESDAY IN TONGA

Met Tonga PM Fred Sevele. I told him I was ambitious for Tonga and gave him more aid money. He said thanks. When a reporter asked Fred Sevele what the King was like, he said an old Tonga saying sums him up: "Leaders who are born leaders will become leaders when they assume the role. And that's the answer." Great line - the media looked confused. Must tell Crosby Textor. I visited the King as well. Quite charming. He has a very English accent and afterward I said he probably spoke better English than me. Someone muttered "wouldn't be hard". Strange. I remind them of my genius with neologisms. Late night - King served cognac and we didn't get home until after midnight.

WEDNESDAY IN SAMOA

Drank kava - I downed it in one go. Went to see Prime Minister Tuilaepa. I told him I was ambitious for Samoa and gave him more aid money. Michael Jones told all the media I was a "progressive thinker". I knew it was worthwhile bringing those two. Went to a coconut oil industry and I pressed some of the oil. I said I was delivering the good oil. I meet the leader of Tokelau as well - he's just told the media they need a new boat to get to their island. The old one's about to sink, tosses about like a cork and takes 30 hours. I tell him I'll ask Bill but it's very expensive. He invites us to Tokelau - I say I might go but not in that old dump of a boat - I'll take the frigate instead thanks. He seems to like a joke, so I almost tell him I'm ambitious for Tokelau and I hope it doesn't sink like the boat, what with this global warming. I decide against it - Greenpeace are in town and everybody knows they can't take a joke.

THURSDAY IN NIUE

Meet Toke (ha! Rhymes with okey dokey!) Talagi, Niue's Premier. I told him I was ambitious for Niue and gave him an All Black jersey. He got quite angry and asked for some money for their tourism industry. I said he couldn't have it because we don't know what he'll spend it on. I suggest he says it's for a cycleway - I got $50 million out of Bill by doing that, so he should have no problems with a mere $4 million. He thought I was joking and said he'd go and ask China. Maybe I was right to worry about that jokes lost in translation thing. Was cheered up when Miss Niue swayed onto the floor - the time for dance was upon me.

FRIDAY IN COOKS

Another day, another lei. Went to watch my mates Inga and Jonesy play rugby with some young men who are doing NCEA qualifications in sport, funded by NZAID. They have a photo opportunity with me and the photographer makes them all say "John Key". I tell them I don't think it will catch on like "cheese". Am being mocked for my dance with Miss Niue, so I pretend to tackle Inga and kick the ball to look manly. I tell Prime Minister Jim Marurai that I'm ambitious for Samoa. He says, that's nice but we're in the Cook Islands. I give him aid money and sing Happy Birthday to him. He agrees to let our IRD officials come over to sniff out tax evaders.

* Based on real events. And a few made-up ones as well.