Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary ... of Sir John Key

Sir John Key: At the end of the day, there’s nothing like playing a relaxing round of golf at an exclusive club with mysterious officials from the People’s Republic of China. Photo / Mike Scott

OPINION

MONDAY

Mondays, when I was Prime Minister for a thousand years of peace and prosperity, used to mean caucus meetings and setting out the agenda for the country and making sure the Government ran smoothly and without any personal dramas so we could get on to do the best job we could for the good of every New Zealander but, at the end of the day, it lacked meaning - and on that note, I am pleased to announce as chairman of ANZ that New Zealand’s largest bank has made a record full-year net profit.

Our net profit for the year ended September rose 20 per cent to $2.3 billion. Key numbers for the 12 months ended September compared with a year ago: net profit $2.3b vs $1.92b, revenue $4.55b vs $4.13b, cash profit 2.06b vs $1.91b, impairment ($39m) vs $115m.

Numbers tell you the whole story. Everything else is just politics.

TUESDAY

At the end of the day, there’s nothing like playing a relaxing round of golf at an exclusive club with mysterious officials from the People’s Republic of China.

They don’t actually play the game. They hide behind trees and once I saw an official submerged in a pond. But they’ve got a job to do and I wouldn’t dream of criticising their activities – or their freely elected government. Why criticise?

Why judge? I think that we should think very, very cautiously about what we say and how we say it.

The important thing to remember is that China is New Zealand’s largest trade partner, with two-way trade worth in excess of $30 billion.

Numbers tell you the whole story. Everything else is just human rights.

WEDNESDAY

Make plans for summer in Honolulu.

Ardern has flown to Antarctica.

Freezing is losing.

THURSDAY

Ran into Christopher Luxon at a McDonald’s drive-through.

He asked, “What can I get you, boss?”

I said, “A double quarter-pounder, medium fries, chicken McNuggets with sweet and sour sauce, and a large Coke.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, repealing the Fair Pay Agreements Bill that passed into law this week.”

“Coming right up.”

Serving is losing.

FRIDAY

Fridays, since forever in my successful career are when I finally get the chance to head home, put my feet up, unscrew my head and let it float weightlessly and insubstantially around the ceiling.

I am unworried by reports that although ANZ’s profits have surged, so have our interest rates, along with the financial pain felt by many borrowers.

Sure, the bank is bracing for a significant economic downturn, and it looks like some customers will struggle with rising interest rates. Half of our customers with home mortgages are still on interest rates of 2 or 3 per cent but they’ll soon be paying more. Over 100,000 households are going to come off fixed mortgages in the next year and face a tripling of their monthly interest payments.

But at the end of the day, life is for living and you just have to take the rough with the smooth and get on with it. Numbers don’t tell you everything.