The mechanics of a meltdown: No Such Thing as Normal by Sonia Gray, episode 8

Ten-year old Sophie is a top gymnast and trampolinist. Photo / Supplied

At least one in five New Zealanders are classed as neurodivergent, a label that covers conditions such as ADHD, autism and dyslexia - yet society insists everyone should be “normal”. No Such Thing as Normal, a 10-part NZ Herald podcast with broadcaster Sonia Gray, explores how we can do better.

Three years ago, Christchurch dad Rob and his wife Carla were at breaking point. Their kids Sophie and Fletcher, who are both ADHD and autistic, were having daily meltdowns, sometimes lasting up to four hours.

“I didn’t handle it well,” he says. “I was a typical alpha male dad, very focused on bad behaviours – and there were lots of them. My attitude was ‘it’s my way or the highway’. But it just wasn’t working, and radical change was needed.”

Rob is speaking on Sonia Gray’s NZ Herald podcast, No Such Thing as Normal, which this week looks at meltdowns and what can lead up to them. He tells Gray he resigned from a high-paying job in IT a few years ago to devote more time to supporting the kids.

That support involved countless hours researching the brain and exploring different ways of parenting. He realised the meltdowns and defiant behaviour they were seeing were just the tip of the iceberg.

Rob with his children Fletcher and Sophie. Photo / Supplied

“We now work with the kids to understand what’s lead up to that point”, he says. “It’s a collaboration, we problem-solve together. I no longer assume I know what’s going on for them.”

Rob’s youngest child, 10-year old Sophie, is a top gymnast and trampolinist who recently competed at the National Gymnastics Championships. But she had always struggled with the demands of the school setting and found herself branded the “naughty kid”.

“Schooling can be real tough for neurodivergent kids, and it’s hard for parents too. You’re constantly called in to explain why this has happened, why that has happened. In the end I had to pull her out, I had to put my daughter’s mental health first,” Rob says.

Sophie has fewer meltdowns these days which she’s happy about, because, she says they are “horrible”.

“My brain just feels dizzy and it runs out of energy very quickly. And scary as well. It’s really, really scary,” she tells Gray. “I use hate words and sometimes I pass out. It feels like I’m in jail”.

Gymnast Sophie has always struggled with the demands of the school setting. Photo / Supplied

By passing out, Sophie means she often can’t remember what she’s said or done. Psychologist Sharyn Gousmett says this is common. She describes meltdowns as a physiological response to a perceived threat.

“The brain switches into that fight or flight survival mode…so the energy in the front part of the brain is just not there any more, it literally switches off,” she says.

“If you’re trying to talk to them and get them to calm down, it’s just not going to work because those parts the brain are not there in that moment. So supporting kids who are in that meltdown really comes down to, ‘how do we co-regulate with them? How do we come alongside them and support that nervous system to calm?’”

Rob says while leaving the workforce has had an impact financially, the family are happier than they’ve ever been.

“Success for us has shifted… we’ve totally changed what success looks like,” he says. “Are we happy? Are we healthy? That’s success for us, not money in the bank, or cars in the driveway”.

No Such Thing As Normal was made with the support of NZ On Air.

No Such Thing as Normal is a NZ Herald podcast, with new episodes every Saturday. You can listen to it on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.