The truth is out there. Photo / Bradley Ambrose
Well, I have to say it is great to be back in front of the electric typewriter constructing a column once again.
Many of you, no doubt, have been wondering where I have been for the past few weeks. Have I been ill? Caught working hard in the All Blacks' successful World Cup campaign? Or perhaps enrolled by the editor in an exclusive creative writing course in Detroit?
The answer is far simpler: I have been using alcohol heavily of late and, as a result, have not been able to file any complete or coherent columns worth publishing. That is not to say that I didn't file any, just that what I did file wasn't published.
On re-reading a couple of them, I now see that the editor was right not to publish them and why he was forced to bring in run-of-the-mill, but sober, writers to do the job. I would like to thank them for their efforts and will be keeping their contacts for my ever-expanding ghost writer database.
I remember sending one column in and, on rejection, I ended up in a drunken argument/brawl with the editor. The situation played out much like that of a drunk man refused entry to a nightclub. The more you argue, the more they are justified in refusing you entry - it is a real catch 22.
In retrospect, I regret telling him that I don't queue and I will take my friends elsewhere.
This culminated in me clumsily pushing him over a photocopier and resulted in me and my drinking buddies being manhandled out of the office by two heavies from the sports section and a guy from sales. I regret saying he wasn't man enough to do it himself and the aspersion I cast on his soccer background.
But now that the World Cup has died down a little, what better time to focus on other big issues that affect and fascinate us all. I am, of course, talking about subjects like Bigfoot. However, my new, revised contract forbids me writing on that subject again until 2016 or until he (Bigfoot) actually becomes front-page news.
Even then, the editor has suggested he might prefer to have one of his more experienced "newsy" journalists cover it.
So, this begs the question as to what I will write about over the next couple of months. I have decided to delve into politics.
This, by chance, will work in quite well with the fact that there is an election looming. I wasn't aware of this when I made the decision and it was only when my most recent Bigfoot piece was rejected that I was forced to commit to it.
I intend to interview the major candidates and ask them the tough questions. Some of these interviews will take place in interesting locations like their home, my home or foodcourts on the political trail. Interviews with the smelly candidates will be conducted on the phone.
Either way you can rest assured that by the time election day rolls around, or at least shortly after it, the readers will be far more informed, politically speaking.
If you have a question you would like me to put to one of the major political candidates, send it into the editor - so he can pass it on to my political secretary. It's your country, for God's sake, so take an interest in it, like I am.