That Guy says he has been through a few typists. Photo / Thinkstock
This Christmas column is published a whole week before Christmas - but I can't really do much about that as the powers that be have decided not to publish a paper on Christmas Day.
I was keen but nobody else was, so my hands were tied.
Instead I have chosen to respond, via this Christmas communique, to the thousands of letters I receive each week and to thank some of my staff.
Please remember I don't have time to read all your mail, but most of it will be processed by either Tanya, my secretary, or Janine, her secretary (and my masseuse).
Their job, among other things, is to go through the stack of letters and Christmas cards I receive each year and select a cross section of mail for me to read - and in some cases personally respond to via my PA, researcher and squash partner, Brian Hitchcock.
It's nice to see that many of you are conscious of the environment and are choosing to email instead of writing long letters. On receiving these, Janine or Tanya will print them out and give them to me to read on A3 or A4 sheets, as I have a retina condition that makes it difficult for me to read on computer screens.
I would like to pull Hitchcock out for special mention for all his valuable research this year. You can't write more than 50 columns a year on topics as varied as inter-planetary space travel, women's health and boozing up at the Wellington Sevens without having a top researcher.
Brian will be leaving my team at the end of the year, taking up a position at Melbourne University. We wish him and his bubbly but slightly overweight wife all the best in Australia. He will be replaced by Colin Anderson, who is on sabbatical from Stanford University in the United States. Colin made a great impression at my column's Christmas party last Thursday. He has an excellent sense of humour and his younger partner Sandra was the one in the clingy, turquoise green boob-tube.
It is unlikely that someone like her will stick with Colin in the long term but we wish them all the best while they are working here in New Zealand.
Many of you will know that we have gone through a few typists this year and that many of these departures were unavoidable. The people who work for me in the older part of the building seldom get the credit they deserve. Sarah Woodhouse left in March because of ill health brought on by asbestos poisoning. Virginia Evans left as a result of gross sexual harassment and Claudia Drake couldn't really type, managing just nine to 13 words a minute on a good day.
This kind of incompetence put huge pressure on my already tight deadlines.
Incidentally, I have agreed to drop my sexual harassment case against Virginia and she may join us again in the New Year, but there are strict conditions attached. I don't want to go into details but it would be fair to say that she must wear a top at all times, especially in the lunch room or if she is typing fast, as she tends to bounce up and down.
I would be one of the first to admit that my columns, like award-winning articles in National Geographic and Hustler magazine, are greatly enhanced by photos. There is an old saying that goes, "a picture paints a thousand words", but I always say that a well-chosen photo that is large enough can get you out of writing at least 500. So I would like to thank my photographic team for choosing big photos.
Finally, I would like to thank the Herald on Sunday's editor, Bryce Johns, for all the work he has put in for me this year. I have been demanding and occasionally precious, but you have been patient.
I will certainly recommend to the powers that be that you are reinstated next year and you can expect a small Christmas bonus next week.
For the rest of you: Merry Christmas!