That Guy: Bigger bins needed to recycle the recycle bins

Photo / APN

Opinion

The Auckland Council has revealed it has plans to introduce yet another recycle bin on to the city's rubbish recycling landscape. Surely we must be at the point of realising that these large clunky recycle bins are pollution in themselves.

Made from durable, vulcanized, un-recyclable plastics, each bin has a half-life of somewhere between six and 750,000 years so, like nuclear waste, once they have been created they are pretty much here to stay.

Is this the kind of legacy we want to leave for our children and our children's children, more commonly referred to in a less literary format as grandchildren? In the future do we want to be remembered as the Recycle Bin Generation?

Recycling has become a dirty word in most households. It's time for us to take more responsibility for our own rubbish by getting other people, who are paid good money to deal with it, to start doing their job of addressing the problem, without relying on us to do half the job for them.

We need to start asking ourselves the question that nobody is prepared to face: "Who is going to recycle the recycle bins?"

And you don't have to be a rocket scientist, metropolitan refuse engineer or Robyn Malcolm to estimate how big the recycle bins to recycle the recycle bins are going to have to be, especially when you consider that, in addition to recycling the recycle bins, we are still going to have to recycle the rubbish because the rubbish itself will still need to be recycled in the future. Contrary to popular belief recycle bins don't actually get rid of rubbish.

I have a number of ideas on how we can deal with this issue: some are very simple, others far too complicated for the average Herald on Sunday reader so I won't go into them right now.

What I would like to talk about is an amazing Christmas gift idea I have come up with called the Rib Spa (or the Rib Jacuzzi as it's patented in the United States).

No it's not some sort of spa pool that gives you a rib massage, but rather a mobile electric finger bowl ideal for when you are in a restaurant enjoying greasy spare ribs.

The Rib Spa isn't much larger than an electric juicer or ash-tray and, when you dip your fingers in it, thousands of little brushes and jets of warm water wash your fingers in seconds.

This technology has been developed by Nasa, Soda Stream and myself and I believe it will be the best rib finger bowl on the finger bowl market.

Normal finger bowls are filled with lukewarm, stagnant water and they become more unhygienic with every cleanse, but the Rib Spa uses changeable filters that get rid of impurities as you go. Tests have shown you can drink the water from the Rib Spa after enjoying your favourite ribs. (Legal disclaimer: We do not recommend it but you could do it.)

The device can easily fit into a woman's handbag or man's gay man-bag. But we envisage the most exclusive and discerning "all-you-can-eat rib shacks" will keep them on the premises. The Rib Spa runs off batteries or mains power and, amazingly, works just as well on either hand.

Order a Rib Spa now and we will throw in the Rib Tux absolutely free. This full body disposable suit, based on fashions seen in the wake of the Chernobyl disaster, allows you to enjoy meals like ribs and chicken wings without getting sauce on your clothes. When you have finished eating, simply tear it into shreds and flush it down the restaurant toilet.

The Rib Tux is perfect for the high-flyer who needs to give important formal presentations but also enjoys a good feed of prime ribs or dixie-style, honey-glazed cajun drumsticks.

Much like plastic ponchos, the Rib Tux comes in a small package that fits in your pocket. The Rib Spa and Rib Tux should be available just before Christmas, so watch this space!