Tapu Misa: Fixing issues starts with understanding

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A child psychologist asked to fix a delinquent child knows what the parents seldom recognise: that in all likelihood their own behaviour is part of the problem, and that the child will not change unless they change too.

Changing human behaviour is a complicated business, as any parent of teenagers knows. It's hard enough to get the defiant, hormonal sprogs to tidy their rooms, much less keep away from drugs, alcohol and too-early sex.

Even a good kid, a bright kid with everything going for him, can suddenly veer off track, sending his parents into a paroxysm of soul-searching: Is it peer pressure, media, the wrong school, personality, something we did, or didn't do?

Most likely, a combination of all those.

My formidable sister sends her brood out into the world with the words: "Make good choices. Don't hang around in stupid places with stupid people."

At least teenagers have an excuse. The part of the brain responsible for judgment doesn't fully mature until the 20s.

But what about the rest of us? Why do we individually and collectively make decisions that aren't in our best interests? How do we make better choices, for ourselves, for our children, for the planet?

As a report written last year by the environment group WWF noted, we are faced with profound problems - economic, social, environmental. While we imagine ourselves capable of dispassionately assessing the evidence and charting a way forward, in fact, "it is increasingly apparent that our collective decisions are based importantly upon a set of factors that often lie beyond conscious awareness ... informed in important part by emotion - in particular, dominant cultural values, which are tied to emotion".

Understanding human nature has never been more important. Neuroscience offers some clues, illuminating the fascinating workings of our triune brain: the primitive reptilian brain which controls basic functions such as breathing; the emotional limbic brain, which directs our emotional life and seeks out human connection; and the higher neocortical brain, the home of logic and abstract thought.

We tend to think, wrongly, that it's our inner cool-headed geek that's in charge of our lives, but anyone who's watched a seemingly smart person make dumb personal choices knows this to be false.

If intellect ruled, smart people wouldn't be filling their lungs with the nicotine they know will lead to cancer. And we wouldn't be ignoring the overwhelming evidence on alcohol's harmful effects. Of course, this is not news to those who make it their business to manipulate our emotions.

As the psychiatrists who authored the beautifully written A General Theory of Love put it: "The swirling interactions of humanity's three brains, like the shuttling of cups in a shell game, deftly disguise the rules of emotional life ... Because people are most aware of the verbal, rational part of their brains, they assume that every part of their mind should be amenable to the pressure of argument and will. Not so. Words, good ideas, and logic mean nothing to at least two brains out of three. Much of one's mind does not take orders."

Emotions are at the heart of everything we do. "Even the most desiccated neocortical abstractions pulse with an emotional core. Greed and ambition run beneath the surface of economics; vengefulness and reverence under the veneer of justice. In all cases, emotions are humanity's motivator and its omnipresent guide."

We might bear this in mind when we judge teen parents, or design policy aimed at reducing their numbers.

By most people's reckoning the girls I met recently at a teen parent unit had made bad choices. Ask them why they're where they are and there are as many reasons as there are girls. The how is easy, but even they struggle to understand why.

One girl admitted she and her boyfriend got clucky; they had no idea how hard it was going to be. Another had been made to stay home to look after her younger siblings, and came to see that as her role in life. She didn't set out to get pregnant, but the sad reality is that it has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. It brought her to the teen unit, and into contact with people who are helping her pass NCEA, and showing her for the first time what good parenting and good choices look like.

For most of them, pregnancy was the result of a complex mix of circumstances and pressures, including hormones, absent fathers, and ignorance and denial.

Almost all said the sex education they'd had at school had been inadequate and badly timed (in Year 9, said one girl, before she became interested in sex). Most never thought they'd get pregnant.

Welfare reformers argue that the DPB encourages girls to make "lifestyle choices", but none of these girls were thinking about the great life they'd have on the DPB. Truth is, they weren't thinking much at all.

We can judge them harshly or we can give them the support they need to ensure their children grow up healthy and nourished and able to make different choices. That would be the rational, humane thing to do.

Tapu.Misa@gmail.com