Surprise, surprise - MPs find urgent business in Apia

Labour leader Andrew Little and Prime Minister John Key at the match between the All Blacks and Manu Samoa. Photo / Dean Purcell

Cometh the 80 minutes, cometh the man. And the place he cometh when the fulltime whistle blows is straight to the changing rooms.

Early on in his prime ministership, John Key started doing training with his security detail. Hard training, involving running while carrying tractor tyres and that kind of thing. The reason he gave was his general health and well-being.

This was subsequently revealed to be nonsense. It is now quite clear that the real reason was so he could sprint to the changing rooms faster after a major sporting event, in hunt of a photo-op. After a range of World Cups and test matches in his seven years as Prime Minister, Key could now rival Usain Bolt in his sprint to the changing rooms.

Few things have outraged Labour more than the Prime Minister's alacrity with photo-ops, basking in the reflected glory of sportspeople. So in Samoa it was not just the rugby players forced to abandon the concept of island time for the sake of a greater outcome. Labour leader Andrew Little's challenge was to try to outrun Key. The reason for this is that the changing rooms are where the players are - and where the cameras are. It was not enough to enjoy the game - one had to be seen to enjoy the game.

Key likes to pretend he's not milking such occasions. He even pretends to graciously hand his opponent a handful of them. But after the changing room stampede, another important skill is to rain on the parade of your rival's photo-ops.

So this week when Key was asked about rugby balls being taken to Apia he pretended he was reluctant to answer because it was Labour's doing. He then went on to reveal all, stealing Labour's thunder. Labour in turn tried to counter with a show of modesty, pretending it did not want the thunder and was simply a conduit for others' good deeds. That didn't stop them posting a photo of Little, Kris Fa'afoi and Carmel Sepuloni holding the balls once they landed, the misprints carefully hidden.

The third most important skill for photo-ops is to come up with an excuse to visit another country in which a major sporting event is being played.

Immigration Minister Michael Woodhouse was the champion of them all. He had a conference which ensured he could be there for three days rather than simply fly over for the day of the match with the Prime Minister. That meant his ministerial diary could virtuously state he was in Samoa for the Recognised Seasonal Employer Conference.

Of course, it was pure luck the conference just happened to coincide with the game. Or was it coincidence? Woodhouse was reaping the rewards of great foresight. The conference has always been held in New Zealand.

But in July last year, Samoa's Prime Minister invited New Zealand to host it in Samoa with these words: "There is a little rugby match in Apia around July next year involving the famous All Blacks and a little-known team called Manu Samoa, hopefully played at midday under the burning tropical sun. It would be good to schedule your meeting in Apia around that time."

The Prime Minister's urgent mission was to open a playground.

He also got to try out his new one-way handshake, an apparent bid to compensate for the three-way wonder from the Rugby World Cup. This was achieved when Samoa's head of state reached out for a handshake, only to discover Key's attention had turned elsewhere and left him hanging.

Corrections Minister Sam Lotu-Iiga is Samoan and would be justified in visiting only for the rugby. Yet he, too, felt compelled to come up with an alternative reason for travelling. He felt a sudden urge to visit a prison. His press release didn't mention the rugby, although his Twitter account was the reverse and didn't mention the prison.

Even NZ First leader Winston Peters put on a show of pretending he was working. He issued a press release from Samoa, voicing pity for those in New Zealand who did not have Sky (or presumably access to an Air Force Boeing ).

He said a free-to-air broadcaster should screen all major sporting events involving New Zealand. All this did was rub it in that he was in Apia while those of us at home were enjoying an Antarctic blast. There was one minister who did not go to Samoa for the game, despite it being in his realm of influence. That was Foreign Minister Murray McCully.

He was occupied with lesser matters such as peace in the Middle East.