Steve Braunias: The Secret Horoscope - Your stars for 2023 (part one)

Steve Braunias has a Chinese proverb for every star sign.

OPINION:

CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)

You will do well to observe the Chinese proverb, “An old warhorse in the stable still longs to gallop a thousand miles.” You’re never too old to live out a dream. But be reasonable about it; the horse may have bolted. Travel beckons. Stick to the itinerary. No one has ever thought of you as generous but 2023 is going to be different. The urge to give to friends and family will lighten your heart. There are worse things than being so anxious about money that you want to die. Eat nuts; they’re good for your sinuses.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

Worry less, and find good cheer in the Chinese proverb, “You can’t get fat with one mouthful.” Good things take time. Think of 2023 as a rehearsal for 2024. Lay down supplies, and study the ways of preppers. If you see a yellow door, open it. What’s your take on digestive biscuits? You will need to march on your stomach. Envy is a friend. It will motivate you to stick it to those who are plainly doing better than you. In the absence of talent, work on ambition.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

Slow down, and consider the Chinese proverb, “Numerous friends means no deep friendship.” A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody. All you need is a plus-one. Beware socially responsible causes. If you don’t want to help save the planet, it doesn’t make you the worst person in the world. Love will find a way. Find a way to stop it. Romance is just another word for disaster. The gym is a church. Worship day and night, and you will find peace.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Think of the Chinese proverb, “Man cannot be judged by looks; seas cannot be measured by the cup.” Don’t judge people purely based on the way of their appearance. You’d hate it if people treated you like that. Play the victim card. Cancelling an innocent person is a rite of passage. Who’s funnier, Ricky Gervais or Hannah Gadsby? Try and bring your Inbox down to 1000 messages. When asked, “This will be permanently deleted. Continue?”, press yes.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Take time out to consider the Chinese proverb, “If the family lives in harmony, all affairs will prosper.” Make peace with your kin. It was your fault in the first place. You may not find an easy way out of your relationship problems but could you at least try? Apathy makes your bum look big. All work and no play is a recipe for success. Commit to an 80-hour week in 2023. Set yourself really small goals – lots of them, all the time. See your family doctor, and bathe often.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Please stop talking, and think of the Chinese proverb, “Facts beat eloquence.” You live like every day is a new opportunity to talk your way out of trouble but 2023 is all about the harsh realities at the end of the day. Be kind. Dial down the anger. Work less but cover your tracks. Make it look like you are putting your shoulder to the wheel. It’s better to fade away than burn out. Rust sleeps just fine. Happy new year!