Steve Braunias: The secret diary of...Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly has lost his job at Fox News Channel. Photo / AP

MONDAY

If somebody is paying you a wage, you owe that person or company allegiance. You don't like what's happening in the workplace, go to human resources or leave.

I decided to go to human resources.

I said, "The sexual harassment allegations against me are completely unfounded. They are fake allegations. Sad!"

She crossed her legs, and said, "The thing is that there's rather a lot of them."

I said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

She touched the side of her face, and said, "There's more than just two wrongs, though. There's a lot of wrongs. Or so-called wrongs. A barrage of allegations. It doesn't look good, does it?"

I said, "No. But you look good. A tasty little piece! Let's get down to business. You've been leading me on, we both know it. Would you like to engage in phone sex or a threesome?"

The ugly old bitch said, "No."

I said, "You'll pay so dearly for this that you'll wish you'd never been born!"

I got up and stormed to the door. Just as I was about to slam it, she said, "Well, you've tried human resources. How about try the other option, asshole?"

TUESDAY

You know who your real friends are when your back's against the wall.

I phoned Rupert, and said, "I'm just sitting around at home. Would you like to come over?"

"No," he said.

WEDNESDAY

I decided I was in need of spiritual guidance, so I made a few calls and flew to Rome for an audience with Pope Francis.

We met in St Peter's Square. He circled the piazza in his Popemobile, and then sat on the papal throne to meet VIPs.

I said to him, "I'm in a pickle. Do you have any advice?"

He said something in Italian, and his translator said, "God makes his most beautiful flowers bloom amid the most arid rocks."

"What else you got?"

He said something in Italian, and his translator said, "I invoke upon you and your family the loving mercy of God our Father."

"That's mighty good of you," I said. "How about you come on to my show and repeat what you just said in front of a worldwide television audience? A blessing from you might go a long way in saving my ass. What do you say?"

He said something in Italian, and his translator said, "F**k off."

THURSDAY

I was sitting around at home when Rupert called.

He said, "After a thorough and careful review of the allegations, the company and Bill O'Reilly have agreed that Bill O'Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel."

I said, "It is tremendously disheartening that we part ways due to completely unfounded claims. But that is the unfortunate reality many of us in the public eye must live with today."

There was a pause, and then he said, "Sorry, mate."

I said, "That's okay. I understand. Want to come over?"

"No," he said.

FRIDAY

"Come over," said Donald. "Let's go to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend."

I raced over to the White House just as he was packing.

I said, "Is Melania coming?"

He said, "Who?"

Steve Bannon came in and said that he needed to hold urgent talks about bombing the hell out of Syria.

"That can wait," Donald said. "Right now I'm here for Bill. Political correctness has ruined everything in this country and it's cost Bill his job as the one broadcaster that Americans can trust.

"Bill has done nothing wrong, just locker room talk, and maybe careless hands, hey so what, nothing wrong with careless hands, no one respects careless hands more than I do.

"Come and work for me, Bill. It's kind of what you've been doing anyway. What job would you like at the White House? Name it, you've got it."

Sean Spicer came in.

I winked at Donald.