Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Wayne Brown

OPINION

MONDAY

Media request an interview but no time.

As the newly elected Mayor of Auckland, voters have sent a clear message, have given me a mandate to achieve change, have placed their trust in me to fix this beautiful but broken city and to attend to its myriad problems created by that goose Phil Goff and were only going to get worse under Efeso Collins, and the job starts here, today, right now, it's my manifest destiny to lead Auckland out of the darkness of orange cones, I realise that the responsibilities of high offices will weigh heavily on my every waking thought but I welcome this burden because I love Auckland and want the best for it, there's not a minute to lose.

Got to work at 7.30 and was home at 6pm.

TUESDAY

Media request an interview but too busy.

Leapt out of bed, went to make myself a nice hot cup of tea but the jug wouldn't boil so I thought, "Right, I'll fix that!", and went to look for my toolbox, which I couldn't find, I only saw it the other day, terrible how things go missing, it's not a symptom of age or memory loss, it's just one of those things, anyway I found a screwdriver in the kitchen drawer and thought that'd do, so I got down to business, took the kettle apart, put it back together again, turned it on, but it still didn't boil and then the missus said, "Wayne, maybe this time put some water in it", so I tried that fresh approach but the kettle had burned itself out.

Got to work gasping for a nice hot cup of tea.

WEDNESDAY

Media request an interview but there's nothing anyone needs to worry about.

Auckland is on the brink of a fiscal storm, right on the edge, approaching an abyss, looking down into a bottomless pit, things are bad, it's an emergency, we will all be on the street next week at this rate, eating out of rubbish bins, sleeping on Queen St, selling off the family silver, putting the kids to work, losing all our savings, losing everything we ever worked for, broke, skint, penniless, doomed.

My salary of $296,000 is a pittance.

THURSDAY

Media request an interview but my adviser Matthew Hooton said Todd Muller gave interviews and look what happened to him.

All anyone needs to know is that Auckland will be a lot better off when I throw a whole bunch of CCOs out on the street, get rid of all those useless high-earning pencil-pushing wastes of space, with their ideologies about bicycles and shared spaces for God's sake, things that nobody needs and nobody wants, all anyone wants is to be able to get moving, get driving, drive their car from A to B without all those bloody orange bloody cones every bloody where, it's the CCOs who are at fault, the CCOs who are holding everything back, with their high salaries and their contribution of exactly diddly-squat, it's a disgrace, it's a sickness, but I can cure it, I can fix it, and I'll get on to it first thing tomorrow.

FRIDAY

Day off. Media request an interview but I honestly can't be f***ed.