OPINION:
MONDAY
The clock struck 10am, summoning the Delta Force Caucus to their Monday conference. One by one they dribbled into the room. There was quite a lot of them.
"All the chairs have been taken."
"So stand."
Steve Braunias: The secret diary of The Delta Force
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"But these meetings go on forever."
"Oh, boo-hoo."
"Silence!"
The Prime Delta Minister glared at the caucus. "We have work to do," it coughed. "Okay. Numbers. Daily cases?"
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"109."
"Pathetic. Last week we had 129! What's wrong with you?"
The caucus held its breath. It knew what was coming. The Prime Delta Minister was merciless and brainless, a combination that made it unopposed as leader of the world's most feared gang.
"You're all useless!", it wheezed. "The New Zealanders are closing down on us! They refuse to be beaten! Work harder! Find more parties on the North Shore! Don't stop at Liz Gunn! Get in among those anti-vax hikoi idiots! And tell the agents to get off their arses, and travel south!"
It paused, and said, "We're all in this together. Who are we?"
Obediently, the caucus droned, "The team of five trillion billion, give or take."
"Never forget that!" screamed the Minister, phlegm spraying the room.
TUESDAY
"Where are we?"
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"Ōtorohanga."
They looked around at the town, and sighed.
"Your phone's ringing."
The agent picked up, and listened. It said, "Okay. Good to hear. Thanks."
"And?"
"Two tested positive."
"Two?"
"Well. It's a start."
But they knew the Prime Delta Minister wouldn't be happy with that.
WEDNESDAY
"Where are we?"
"Christchurch."
They looked around at the city, and sighed.
"Your phone's ringing."
The agent picked up, and listened. It said, "Okay. Good to hear. Thanks."
"And?"
"Two tested positive."
"Two?"
"Well. It's a start."
But they knew the Prime Delta Minister wouldn't be happy with that.
THURSDAY
"Ha. Look."
The agent held up its phone. There was a story about the long-tailed bat looking set to win the 2021 Bird of the Year contest.
"Ah, bats."
"Good old bats."
"Where would we be without bats?"
"Here's to bats."
They raised a toast and talked about origin stories around the campfire.
FRIDAY
The Prime Delta Minister held its daily 1pm conference and outlined the situation in Auckland.
"Before yesterday, just under 11,728 residents in the Counties Manukau DHB region needed to receive their first Covid vaccine shot, in order for the area to reach the crucial 90 per cent first-dose target. That's good.
"But the other two Auckland regional DHBs - Auckland City and Waitematā - are sitting on 93 per cent and 90 per cent first-dose percentages respectively. That's bad.
"Nationwide, the first vaccination of the eligible population stands at 87 per cent. That's good - and bad.
"I'll pass you over now to our chief medical officer."
A sudden chill settled on the room. The lights dimmed. "Kia ora," said Dr Death and sneezed, and sneezed, and sneezed.
