Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of ... The Abominable Peters

NZ First leader Winston Peters. “You look pretty relaxed,” Luxon shouted into the blizzard. Photo/ Mark Mitchell

OPINION

MONDAY

The Abominable Peters made camp. He cooked and ate a meal of fish heads in penguin lard. A bitter wind was blowing but he did not feel the cold: the food warmed him, and brought a flush of colour to his cheeks. The strange thing, he reflected, was that the closer he got to the South Pole, the warmer he felt.

He took off an outer layer. That was better. He put his feet up, and poured a scotch. The wind scattered the clouds and the sun emerged. The Abominable Peters put on his sunglasses.

He heard barking, and saw that the Seymour Expedition was approaching, with Seymour at the lead.

“You look pretty relaxed,” Seymour shouted into the blizzard.

The Abominable Peters knew better than to waste his energy by replying. He merely raised his glass, and took a sip of the good stuff. Seymour didn’t look good, he observed. His clothes were beginning to fray. His huskies made hard work on the ice, and his team seemed to have little idea how to drive them on.

As the Seymour Expedition moved on, The Abominable Peters threw a rope around one of their sleds and tied it to his own sled. His long years in the polar wastes taught him the importance of catching a ride.

TUESDAY

The Abominable Peters made camp. He set about a stock take of his provisions. He had an unlimited quantity of biscuits, and an unlimited supply of seal meat. There was plenty left of cocoa, coffee, and tea, and a sufficiency of sugar and salt. In addition there was a small store of chocolate, raisins, lentils, oatmeal, sardines, and jams.

He fried a seal steak in oil on the primus. The hot food warmed him, and he took off his balaclava.

He checked on his huskies. Other expeditions employed a great many dogs but The Abominable Peters knew that he could get the job done with an exact number: five.

WEDNESDAY

The Abominable Peters made camp. He shed his jacket and snowboots, and sunbathed for a good hour until he heard barking. The Luxon Expedition was approaching.

“You look pretty relaxed,” Luxon shouted into the blizzard.

The Abominable Peters sent one of the huskies over with a message fastened to its collar.

A few minutes later Luxon arrived at The Abominable Peters’ camp, and set about making hot cocoa, scones with raisins and chocolate, and a penguin stew.

The Abominable Peters enjoyed watching Luxon run around and obey orders. It was going to be the start of a very productive friendship.

THURSDAY

The Abominable Peters shed his T-shirt and long trousers, and sunbathed as Luxon made camp for him.

FRIDAY

The Abominable Peters made himself a pina colada, and drank it as he sat back in his shorts and flip-flops. He was in touching distance of the South Pole, and could afford to relax.

He got up to groom his five huskies.

“Good dog,” he said to the lead husky.

“Good dog,” he said to the second husky.

“Good dog,” he said to the two hardworking middle huskies.

“Good dog,” he said to the husky that brought up the rear.

The Abominable Peters returned to his pina colada, and threw Luxon a sardine.

“Good dog,” he said.