Steve Braunias: The Secret diary of... Secret Santa

SUSAN DEVOY

I volunteer to be Winston Peters' Secret Santa. I'd like to give him the gift of sunshine.

I think he'll know where to stick it.

WINSTON PETERS

I never said Santa was fat. I said it was impressive that a man who was so obviously obese, who had eaten all the pies, not to mention the turkey and the gravy and the pavlova and the candy sticks, and was probably tempted, if I may say so, to cook and eat the reindeer — despite all that, despite his monstrous appetite and his appalling greed, I think it's marvellous that he can get in and out of chimneys, given the fact he's fat.

There's obviously some latent athleticism to the man. You have to hand it to him. It's not everyone who could shimmy in and out of a flue. Full credit to the fat man in red.

He makes it look easy. Now that's the hallmark of a champion. I admire Santa. I take my hat off to him, and offer it to him to wear on his fat head.

And so I categorically deny that I have ever called him fat. Lloyd Burr of Newshub is running around spouting nonsense about that, just as he's run around all year spouting nonsense about me. Well, Lloyd, guess what? I'm your Secret Santa.

I'll see you in court. That's my Christmas present to you. I want you to unwrap a parcel of fear and anxiety that will work away on you over summer. How's that work for you, Lloyd?

LLOYD BURR

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters is on the warpath with media — but he's likely to regret it.

The craggy politico has served legal papers to nine individuals — including myself. The threat of court action follows reports of his superannuation over-payment — which were leaked at the height of this year's white-hot election campaign.

Peters is seeking a judgment related to a "breach of privacy" — all in an attempt to get to the bottom of how the embarrassing and potentially career-destroying records were released to the public.

But the Deputy Prime Minister is likely to be rocked by new revelations — which I can reveal for the first time.

I made a few calls today and arranged to be Mr Peters' Secret Santa — and the veteran kingmaker is not going to like what I have in store for him.

I can exclusively reveal that the entire Newshub press gallery of Patrick Gower, Jenna Lynch, Isobel Ewing and myself are going to be on your case — all year.

From all of us to the Rt Honourable Mr Peters: merry Xmas, old — man!

BILL ENGLISH

I would like to announce that the National Party intends to lodge around about 17 million written questions to government ministers between now and Christmas.

National is also calling for Secret Santa to be scrapped.

We don't see the point.

Frankly, we don't see the point in anything these days.

JACINDA ARDERN

Gollywilikins! I entered Secret Santa — and was given Winston!

What do you get the man who has everything!

Including me and my government wrapped around his little finger!

I know!

An overseas trip!

He loves those!

And I'm pretty sure he hasn't been to Antarctica!

I met with a high-ranking Antarctica authority, gave him the death stare, and made arrangements for a one-way ticket.