Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of . . . New Year’s Resolutions

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex attend the 2022 Robert F. Kennedy Human Rights Ripple of Hope Gala. Photo / Getty Images

PRINCE HARRY

I resolve to speak up.

I’ve been silent for far too long.

Like you never really hear from me, eh.

But now it’s time I told my story.

I mean stories.

Many, many stories, all of them harrowing, about the sufferings Meghan and I have endured, the terrible and destructive reign of terror forced upon us, not to mention the cooking.

Meghan likes to start the day with green juices. They could never get it right.

It wasn’t incompetence. It went deeper than that. We were victims of systemic racism.

Our struggle was real. We often thought of Nelson Mandela. But like Mandela, we held true to our belief in civil rights.

We had a dream. Every day we said to ourselves: Let freedom ring. And then we chanted: Let our voices be heard!

My book Spare is available from January 11 for $59.99.

IAN FOSTER

I resolve to win the World Cup.

But you never know.

Happy New Year.

But that always sounds like an order, doesn’t it?

We can’t all be happy.

I wonder if it will rain on New Year’s Day.

It often does.

You just have to make the best of it.

Life can’t be all beer and skittles.

You win some, you lose some.

That’s my philosophy.

Fortunately the NZRU are on board with that.

GRANT DALTON

I resolve to put up a fight.

By nature, I’m a very chill-axe kind of dude.

Everyone knows me as Mr Nice Guy.

Well, that’s going to change.

I’m going to do a complete 360.

You won’t recognise me.

I’ll be the guy with a face like a slapped arse.

CHRISTOPHER LUXON

I resolve to be tough on crime.

Especially youth offending.

SAM UFFINDELL

I resolve to be tough on crime.

Especially youth offending.

JACINDA ARDERN

I resolve to be tough on hate speech.

And Three Waters.

Stuff like that.

DAVID FARRIER

I resolve to be true to my righteous principles as the Pope of journalism who has made a documentary about something essentially pointless, and sue Sean Plunkett.

One of these days.

SEAN PLUNKETT

I resolve to wait and see whether David Farrier will sue me.

It might be a long wait.

TRUMP

I resolve to do whatever it takes to do whatever I want.

PUTIN

I resolve to kill whoever I want to do whatever I want.

LIZ GUNN

Í resolve to continue being a voice for marginalised groups.

I will tell their story.

I mean stories.

Many, many stories, all of them harrowing, about the sufferings they have endured, the terrible and destructive reign of terror forced upon them.

Our struggle is real. We often think of Nelson Mandela. But like Mandela, we hold true to our belief in civil rights.

We come in peace. We have a dream. Every day we say to ourselves: Let freedom ring. And then we chant: We hate Jacinda Ardern.

KING CHARLES

I resolve to put up with the youngest and just get on with it.

Camilla is always there for me.

The oldest does his best.

But here’s the thing.

I miss Mum.