Steve Braunias: The secret diary of FBoy Island NZ

Charged with sorting out the "FBoys" in the TV show are Kita, Coco and Kiera. Photo / TVNZ

OPINION

MONDAY

Newspaper revelations about one of our contestants have come as a great shock. It's the last thing anyone expected. You just wouldn't think that someone with a dubious personal history would ever be associated with a reality TV show called F-Boy Island NZ.

We take allegations of this nature extremely seriously. And that's why we called an urgent all-day meeting with HR to deal with vetting and background checks to ensure casting processes are as robust as possible in selecting contestants.

We now feel confident going forward. Improvements include:

* Stronger psychological assessments;

* A closer working relationship with the Ministry of Justice;

* Aura reading services.

The search for a replacement contestant begins tomorrow.

TUESDAY

Urgent all-day brainstorming results in the exciting idea that we approach Sam Uffindell.

"Don't be too quick to judge him," said Toby from content. "He's edgy, sure. But has he done anything wrong?"

"Not according to an internal National Party report," said Theo from comms. "He's all good."

"I understand that report was robust," said Cosmo from admin. "Very robust indeed."

"Uffindell appears to be saying that allegations made by his former flatmate - that he yelled obscenities and insults at her while slamming on her door, causing her to flee by jumping out her bedroom window - were actually comments he made to others that she overheard," said Oscar from news and current affairs.

We took a moment to digest that information and concluded that Uffindell sounded exactly the kind of person we should approach to appear on FBoy Island NZ.

WEDNESDAY

Uffindell unavailable but urgent all-day brainstorming results in the exciting idea that we approach Jeffrey Dahmer.

"Number one show on Netflix," said Levi from commercial.

"Trending on social media," said Ollie from social media.

"Exactly the kind of person we should approach to appear on FBoy Island NZ," we chorused.

THURSDAY

Jeffrey Dahmer really very unavailable.

FRIDAY

Urgent five-minute meeting with TVNZ CEO Simon Power followed by a hastily arranged farewell morning tea for Ollie.

We now feel confident moving forward, and have scheduled in a brainstorming session to iron out any potential hazards in our proposed new reality TV show, Woke Up Island NZ, in which six contestants from diverse backgrounds feel bullied and complain about everything.

The search begins for a teenage climate activist.