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Home / New Zealand

Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Christmas carols

Steve Braunias
By Steve Braunias
Senior Writer·NZ Herald·
20 Dec, 2019 04:00 PM3 mins to read

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Santa waves from the back seat of a 1965 Mercury Comet in Papamoa. Photo / George Novak

Santa waves from the back seat of a 1965 Mercury Comet in Papamoa. Photo / George Novak

Steve Braunias
Opinion by Steve Braunias
Steve Braunias writes for the Listener and Newsroom.
Learn more

Good King Winstelas he looked out
On the bags of slush funds.
When the dosh lay round about
Donated by friends and good chums.

Brightly shone the media
On NZ First Foundation.
Oh their eyes were beadier
Than spots on a dalmation.

"Hither, press, and stand by me
If thou has a question.
I'll make thou life a
misery
And take umbrage at thou suggestions.

"There is nothing for you to see here
As sure as I'm Winston Peters.
Go and drink another beer
And treat me like I'm Jesus."

***

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Jacinda Ardern, Jacinda Ardern
Jacinda never fails!
Oh what fun it is for Labour
To cling on to her coat-tails.
Dashing through the year
Messing up KiwiBuild
A house built here and there
Wasn't enough to save poor old Phil.
Oh well never mind
Here's to a happy new year
Jacinda is good and kind
And a close friend of Stephen Colbert.
Jacinda Ardern, Jacinda Ardern
Jacinda all the way!
As for Labour's many faults
Just look the other way.

Merry Christmas. Photo / File
Merry Christmas. Photo / File

***

Away in a daydream
Asleep in the House
The little Lord Seymour
Was quiet as a mouse.
The leader of Act
Doesn't say boo to a goose
He's a party of one
Fancyfree and footloose.
He's the MP for Epsom
He's a representative
But he doesn't have friends
Takes more than he gives.
2020 will be crucial
He'll have to think fast
Or next year in politics
Will be his very last.

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***

Gangs had better watch out
They better not bash
They better not clout
Or do anything rash
Mr Bridges is after your vote.
He's gonna crack down
He's gonna get tough
He's making big sounds
Like "Enough is enough"
Mr Bridges is after your vote.
He sees gangs when he's sleeping
He dreams of going to get 'em
He thinks it will appeal to voters
Who will make him the new PM.
He'll bluster all night
He'll bluster all day
He'll bluster all year
He'll most probably bluster today
Mr Bridges is after your vote.
Mr Bridges is after your vote.
Mr Bridges is after your vote.

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13 Dec 04:00 PM

***

I wish you a beautiful Christmas
I wish you a beautiful Christmas
And a beautiful New Year.
But if you doubt me, read the transcript. Okay? Read the transcript. All you have to do is read the transcript, and it's all there in black and white. The White House has released the transcript, and I invite fake news to report on it fairly and accurately. I invite the Democratic Party to read it, Nancy Pelosi to read it, and lying Hilary to read it. They won't, but I'll tell you who will. The people who come to my rallies. The people who voted for me as President. The people who will vote for me in 2020 as the next President. Four more years. Okay? Four more years. Think about that. Think about what that means for the planet, and I dare you, I challenge you, to go and have a beautiful Christmas and a beautiful New Year.

***

O come all ye hopefuls
Treading the election campaign
O come ye, O come ye
To Parliament.
The crazier the better
Give a satirist some material
Bring him joy in 2020
With your antics and your pleadings.

O come all ye hopefuls
O come all ye hopefuls
O come all ye hopefuls
No hard feelings! Merry Xmas.

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