Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of the State of Nation addresses

Winston Peters ... shining a light on all sorts of jiggery-pokery and a lot of migrants. Photo / Mark Mitchell

John Key

Yeah I think that at the end of the day the majority of New Zealanders would agree with me that you may as well stick with what you know, and you all know me.

Another way of putting it is that you're stuck with me.

I am the way. I am the cliché no one can avoid, like the plague. I am the glue that holds us together, or am I put together by your glue? It's hard to tell the difference. We're all in the same boat.

The boat's all good. But it could be better. Unemployment is at 6 per cent. Now that's not good enough. Let's all work together to push that figure up, because if there's one gap that needs widening, it's the one between rich and poor.

The world is full of - as David Bowie might put it - ch-ch-challenges.

But we can be heroes just for one more term. Stick with the plan that's working. Stick with National. Stick with me.

Did you hear that last bit, Judith?

Winston Peters

Ground control to Major John, as David Bowie might say. National are floating in a tin can, and there's nothing we can do.

Or is there?

The Government wants you to think it's a pretty good joker. But take a look under the hood before buying the spin. There's all sorts of jiggery-pokery, and a lot of migrants.

The Government want a bob each way. But it's a slippery slope, and the migrants are rolling down it.

The Government don't have the backbone. It's not surprising because they're bent over a barrel. And what's inside the barrel? You guessed it. Our old friends, Wong and Chan.

I like Chinese takeaways as much as the next man - so let's take them away.

Far above the world.

Metiria Turei

Tēnā koutou katoa.

The Green Party takes pride in talking about serious issues.

And we're not afraid to offer solutions. Seriously, we know how to build a future that's safe for our children.

Together, in all seriousness, we are heading towards a beautiful tomorrow.

I wasn't born yesterday.

For today, I remember your smile. Remember that one, by the Netherworld Dancing Toys, another great Dunedin export?

I'd now like to ask Lucy Lawless to join me on stage and sing that song. We'll need music, of course, and it just so happens I've brought my ukulele! Not just one - but two! Here, Lucy! It's in C.

But first, in tribute to David Bowie, let's dress up a little. Put on a show. Lucy, you wear a tutu, and I'll wear a clown suit. With a big red nose which has got a hooter inside it! Grab it, Lucy. Go on, give it a big squeeze. HONK! HONK! HONK!

Andrew Little

Let's all take a moment to remember something David Bowie once said. He said, "Put on your red shoes - and dance the blues."

Labour are proud to wear those red shoes and to lead New Zealand on a brand-new merry dance.

I'm going to go into a bit more detail about our radical new programme when I give my state of the national address in Rotorua on Sunday.

But right now I'd like to bring out Grant Robertson, who's put a lot of work into our radical new programme, to give us a little taste of what to expect tomorrow.

Here he comes now. Isn't he adorable? You know who he reminds me of right now?

Roger Douglas. He's so fervent and compact and you'll notice that he's entered stage right.

But he also makes me think of David Bowie's great song Jean Genie. He's outrageous! He screams, and he bawls! Let yourself go, Grant!