Steve Braunias: Secret diary of Superannuation

A sight that the people of New Zealand have got used to... Photo / Greg Bowker

Bill English

We're just going to have to wait and see whether we're all going to die.

I don't want to pre-empt anything. But as interim Prime Minister I'm happy to go on record and say that none of us are getting any younger. Indeed many of us are growing older by the day.

At the same time, the elderly have a lot to give. Many are active in the community and in the workforce, and they may as well keep slaving their guts out while they can.

The last thing anyone wants is a perfectly healthy 65-year-old sitting around at home and wasting their pension on trifles such as the electricity bill.

That's why I want to raise the superannuation age from 65 to 67. But not immediately. Down the track. In 2040 or thereabouts. 2050? I'm open.

In any case it's not set in stone and there's no rush for anything to happen, and one way of looking at my announcement is that it's as though I've said absolutely nothing.

Andrew Little

I said to Jacinda, "How old do you think I am?"

She said, "Um - 50?"

"I'm 51."

"Okay."

"I think I look pretty young for my age, don't you?"

"Sure."

"I'm a long way off having to retire. I mean retirement age isn't even something I think about. I've got plenty of years left in me."

"Yes, of course."

"So if anyone thinks that I should be put out to pasture and be replaced with someone younger and fresher, they'd be dreaming."

She didn't say anything. Her eyes were closed, and there was a smile on her lips. It was as though she'd fallen asleep.

Peter Thiel

As a New Zealand citizen I look forward to receiving a superannuation benefit, but outside of that I don't wish to comment on any involvement I may or may not have with the New Zealand government.

I don't know former prime minister John Key personally, and I can't remember his interim successor's name.

I also have no comment to make on reports that one of my companies counts several government spy agencies as clients.

As an American billionaire who has made his home here, all I want is to enjoy the rights available to any New Zealand citizen, and to have the space to live my life. The space I'm thinking of is the entire South Island. I can pay cash.

Kim Dotcom

The day will come when the charges against me will be dropped, and I can put my big fat feet up and enjoy my old age in New Zealand.

I like it here and have made many, many friends here. For instance, there is the gofer who fetches my slippers for me when I roll out of bed.

A new documentary about my struggles will give the people of New Zealand a chance to see that I'm a fun-loving, innocent jokester who has been the victim of an international conspiracy. The trailer was released this week and I recommend you watch it!

My face fills the screen. It's a sight that the people of New Zealand have got used to over the years and will continue to see for a long time. A very, very long time.