Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of Mark Berry

Commerce Commission chairman Mark Berry in Wellington. Photo / Mark Mitchell

MONDAY
One put on one's slippers, and took one's cup of Milo down to the letterbox at dawn to wait for the paperboy to deliver the morning paper, as has been one's fond habit these past many years of one's really interesting life.

A cold snap has brought a frost. I couldn't tell the difference between my breath and the steam that rose from my Milo. Together they formed a dense white fog and for a few seconds it was as though I was lost in its mist and would never find my way out.
I felt afraid. I felt anxious.

The paperboy finally arrived, and the sight of him calmed my fears.

"Good morning, young fellow!", I boomed.

Back inside the warm kitchen, I read the paper from cover to cover, consulted my horoscope, did the crossword, and circled a couple of programmes listed on National Radio and Concert.

Sue Pegg, my deputy chair at the Commerce Commission, phoned to ask whether we had anything on this week.

"I don't think so," I said.

"Right-o," she said.

TUESDAY
Sue phoned late this afternoon, and said, "I've just realised that tomorrow morning we have to announce our decision on the NZME-Fairfax merger."

"Oh, bother," I said. "I thought we'd already done that?"

"We ruled against it in November, but that was just a draft decision," she said.
I said, "Oh well. What do you think?"

She said, "Well, I think we ought to accept that there is a real chance the merger could extend the lifespan of some newspapers and lead to significant cost savings anywhere between $40 million to around $200m over five years.

"That doesn't seem very important," I said. "What about democracy? Will anyone think of democracy? Newspaper rivalry is crucial to a well-functioning democratic society! A merger poses a real risk of harm to New Zealand's democracy!"

She said, "Stop shouting!"

I said, "But I'm afraid! Terribly afraid! And anxious, so very anxious, and not a little hysterical! Democracy! O democracy! It must be protected at all costs! We have to take sides! Do you stand for the lifespan of some newspapers, or do you stand for democracy!"
"Calm down," she said. "The report's already been written, anyway."

"Oh, right," I said.

'We should add something about Facebook and Google, though," she said. "You know, something about how they attract massive amounts of advertising without having to pay tax on it and are thus in a position to destroy the news media as we know it."

"That doesn't seem very important," I said, " but if you want."

WEDNESDAY
I announced the decision at a press conference this morning.

On the way home, I allowed myself the pride of knowing that I had saved democracy from certain ruin, and gave a little thought to how it would likely warrant a knighthood.

As for the news media, I imagined the gentlemen of the press heading back from the press conference to their noisy, smoke-filled offices to type up the news on their Remingtons as they raced to meet the deadlines of the afternoon newspapers The Evening Post and the Auckland Star.

THURSDAY
Sir Mark Berry.

Or Sir Dr Mark Berry?

FRIDAY
One put on one's slippers, and took one's cup of Milo down to the letterbox at dawn to wait for the paperboy to deliver the morning paper, as has been one's fond habit these past many years of one's really interesting life.

I waited. And waited.

I waited all day.