Steve Braunias' Secret diary of Katie Hopkins

Katie Hopkins has a lot to say to New Zealand. Photo / Getty Images

MONDAY
Dear Jacinda Ardern

How's it going in New Zealandistan? Learned the whole of the Koran yet? Teaching it to the baby? Is your baby fat, by the way? No offence but that's something to keep an eye on. Fat people are a drain on society.

Hey, you really rocked that hijab. But do you have matching accessories? I hear it's the height of Islamist terrorist fashion to co-ordinate the hijab with an explosive device.

You've been strangely silent over the killings in Sri Lanka. I expect you to be dressed as the Pope, ringing church bells across New Zealand and praying in Latin in Parliament. But let's get real. That would upset your Islamist masters, wouldn't it?

I expect you're happy to go along as you are, beholden to the jihad which is tearing the world apart – and causing a lot more damage than so-called "climate change".

I expect you've bought into that, too. Hashtag "extinction rebellion"? Don't make me laugh. Bunch of idiots running around achieving nothing. Funny how a lot of them are fat.
I expect you'll have been told about my comments about you on Twitter. I expect you'll be asked about that. I expect you'll want to respond.

TUESDAY
Dear Grant Robertson

How's it going, Tubs? May I call you Tubs? It's a bit forward, isn't it? A bit casual. You are after all a senior minister in the New Zealand Government. So how about I call you Mr Tubs.

I asked Jacinda Ardern to respond, not you, but seeing as you have, I relish this opportunity for a serious conversation but listen there's an elephant in the room and that elephant is you. You're as big as an elephant, aren't you, Mr Tubs? Now I know it's widely believed that fat people are lazy but I think you must work day and night at filling your fat little face, Mr Tubs.

Up early, eating all the pies. Flat-out all day long, hoovering up the hamburgers. Burning the midnight oil, scoffing chips and pizzas and hot dogs and all the junk that makes you so horribly, disgustingly, shamefully fat.

But let's get down to the issues, Mr Tubs. You're content to waddle around a TV studio and call me an "idiot". That's not very nice, is it, Mr Tubs, to resort to name-calling.

WEDNESDAY
Dear New Zealand

Thank you for your kind messages and emails. I see you. I hear you. I am with you. You are not alone. First they come for your weapons. Then they come for your speech. With what will you defend your young? How will you fight back the Islamist invaders if you no longer have Crusaders?

Join the fight against the destruction of our Christian culture. Do not be hunted from the land you call home. Repel those who want to take everything away from you. Fight! Rise up, indigenous people of New Zealand, before your country is changed beyond recognition!

THURSDAY
Dear world

Who started the Notre Dame fire?

Who shot Kennedy?

Who sunk the Titanic?

It makes you think, doesn't it?

FRIDAY
Dear New Zealand

PS When I said "indigenous people" I meant, you know, the people who came before your country was invaded and you were forced off the land you call home.

PPS I don't mean invaded by Christians. I mean invaded by Islamists.
PPPS Dear Jacinda, still awaiting your response. Jacinda? Are you there? Hello?