NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • Deloitte Fast 50
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of ... Judith Collins

Steve Braunias
By Steve Braunias
Senior Writer·NZ Herald·
26 Oct, 2018 04:00 PM3 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save
    Share this article
Video Player is loading.
Current Time 0:00
/
Duration 0:00
Loaded: 0%
Stream Type LIVE
Remaining Time -0:00
 
1x
    • Chapters
    • descriptions off, selected
    • subtitles settings, opens subtitles settings dialog
    • subtitles off, selected

      This is a modal window.

      Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window.

      Text
      Text Background
      Caption Area Background
      Font Size
      Text Edge Style
      Font Family

      End of dialog window.

      This is a modal window. This modal can be closed by pressing the Escape key or activating the close button.

      Autoplay in
      4
      Disable Autoplay
      Cancel Video
      National Party leader Simon Bridges, from his caucus run, saying he told off Paula Bennett and will not be using the waka jumping bill over Jami-Lee Ross.
      Steve Braunias
      Opinion by Steve Braunias
      Steve Braunias writes for the Listener and Newsroom.
      Learn more

      COMMENT:

      SUNDAY

      One felt compelled to move the bird table beneath the oak tree on the northern side of the house. The ingredients should attract the larger avians, such as mynahs, starlings, blackbirds and thrushes, although sparrows and goldfinches are certainly welcome to the feast.

      Together, the combined beat of their wings ought to arrive in Wellington on a stiff breeze by midday on Thursday, creating a kind of static in the air, perfectly timed for Simon's press conference and forcing him to raise his voice to be heard.

      Those elocution lessons always fail when he speaks loudly.

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.
      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      MONDAY

      To caucus, where one expressed deep and profound support for Simon over his handling of this wretched business with Jami-Lee Ross.

      I said, "I am behind you one hundred per cent."

      He said, "Thank you, Judith."

      I said, "I think what Paddy Gower wrote about you in his silly blog on Newshub was a disgrace. 'Simon Bridges is finished.' That was the opening line! Disgraceful. 'Simon Bridges is finished.' How dare he? 'Simon Bridges is finished.' Let's pay it no mind."

      "I suggest we get back to business and hammer the Government on fuel tax or something," Simon said.

      I said, "Quite right. The gall of that Gower! 'Simon Bridges is finished.' We don't need to dwell on sentiments like that, no matter how widespread they are. 'Simon Bridges is finished.' It's a bit like Candyman, isn't it? Say it three times in a mirror, and it will happen. Well, let's see, shall we? 'Simon Bridges is finished. Simon Bridges is finished. Simon Bridges is finished."'

      Discover more

      Opinion

      Steve Braunias: Secret diary of the ABs defeat

      21 Sep 05:00 PM
      Opinion

      Braunias: Secret Diary of Derek Handley

      28 Sep 05:00 PM
      Opinion

      Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of Simon Bridges

      05 Oct 04:00 PM
      Opinion

      Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of Jami-Lee Ross

      19 Oct 04:00 PM

      Simon said, "Are you finished?"

      One filed one's nails.

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      TUESDAY

      Tonight's 1 News Colmar Brunton poll has Simon on a low, low 7 per cent as preferred Prime Minister - and myself just 2 behind, on 5 per cent.

      WEDNESDAY

      Stayed close to Simon all day, and kept two steps behind. Not one, not three. Two steps. Just two steps behind.

      THURSDAY

      So touching to learn that Cameron Slater has assisted Jami-Lee Ross in his release from Middlemore Hospital's mental health facilities.

      Dear old Cam! Such a loyal friend. Always there, always willing and able. We had a lot of fun together back in the day, such good times talking about total destruction and the dismantling of anyone who got in the way.

      We can't be seen together anymore. I'm sure he understands. I taught him that it's better to give than receive, but he broke the first rule of modern politics and got caught.

      And so the friendship became strained - but the project endures. Dear old Cam!

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      FRIDAY

      So nice to be home and to make dinner in one's own kitchen. One merely had to saunter on to the back deck and pick herbs in their darling little trays. A bit of mint. Some nice coriander, and thyme, basil, two kinds of parsley, and of course a sprig, too, of Conium maculatum, sometimes known as the Australian carrot fern, also devil's bread and devil's porridge, but most commonly known as hemlock.

      Stirred the pot. Stirred the pot. Stirred the pot.

      Save
        Share this article

      Latest from New Zealand

      New Zealand

      'Distils the complexity': Book about Treaty of Waitangi scoops top prize

      New Zealand

      Police raid reveals dangerous drugs and a home-made taser at dealer's home

      New Zealand

      Urgent sausages recall after glass injury reported


      Sponsored

      Farm plastic recycling: Getting it right saves cows, cash, and the planet

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      Recommended for you

      'Distils the complexity': Book about Treaty of Waitangi scoops top prize
      New Zealand

      'Distils the complexity': Book about Treaty of Waitangi scoops top prize

      Why Morocco's souks are a shopper's paradise
      Travel

      Why Morocco's souks are a shopper's paradise

      'Never had trouble with erections': Band dismiss AI-generated claims
      Entertainment

      'Never had trouble with erections': Band dismiss AI-generated claims

      Police raid reveals dangerous drugs and a home-made taser at dealer's home
      New Zealand

      Police raid reveals dangerous drugs and a home-made taser at dealer's home

      Urgent sausages recall after glass injury reported
      New Zealand

      Urgent sausages recall after glass injury reported

      $21m Tauranga Hospital urgent care upgrade completed after four years
      Bay of Plenty Times

      $21m Tauranga Hospital urgent care upgrade completed after four years



      Latest from New Zealand

      'Distils the complexity': Book about Treaty of Waitangi scoops top prize
      New Zealand

      'Distils the complexity': Book about Treaty of Waitangi scoops top prize

      Category winners receive $8500, except for the first book winners, who take home $2500.

      13 Aug 08:45 AM
      Police raid reveals dangerous drugs and a home-made taser at dealer's home
      New Zealand

      Police raid reveals dangerous drugs and a home-made taser at dealer's home

      13 Aug 08:00 AM
      Urgent sausages recall after glass injury reported
      New Zealand

      Urgent sausages recall after glass injury reported

      13 Aug 07:43 AM


      Farm plastic recycling: Getting it right saves cows, cash, and the planet
      Sponsored

      Farm plastic recycling: Getting it right saves cows, cash, and the planet

      10 Aug 09:12 PM

      NZ Herald
      • About NZ Herald
      • Meet the journalists
      • Newsletters
      • Classifieds
      • Help & support
      • Contact us
      • House rules
      • Privacy Policy
      • Terms of use
      • Competition terms & conditions
      • Our use of AI
      Subscriber Services
      • NZ Herald e-editions
      • Daily puzzles & quizzes
      • Manage your digital subscription
      • Manage your print subscription
      • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
      • Subscribe to Herald Premium
      • Gift a subscription
      • Subscriber FAQs
      • Subscription terms & conditions
      • Promotions and subscriber benefits
      NZME Network
      • The New Zealand Herald
      • The Northland Age
      • The Northern Advocate
      • Waikato Herald
      • Bay of Plenty Times
      • Rotorua Daily Post
      • Hawke's Bay Today
      • Whanganui Chronicle
      • Viva
      • NZ Listener
      • Newstalk ZB
      • BusinessDesk
      • OneRoof
      • Driven Car Guide
      • iHeart Radio
      • Restaurant Hub
      NZME
      • About NZME
      • NZME careers
      • Advertise with NZME
      • Digital self-service advertising
      • Book your classified ad
      • Photo sales
      • NZME Events
      • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
      TOP
      search by queryly Advanced Search