Steve Braunias' Secret diary of Brian Tamaki

Verily, a god in leathers. Photo / Doug Sherring

COMMENT:

MONDAY

And on the first day the Lord God sayeth unto Me, "Yo, Brian!"

And I sayeth back, "Oh hi, God. What's happening?"

Verily and he replieth, "You're what's happening, baby!"

To which I chimeth in with, "Tell me something I don't know. I'm so famous and so controversial that it hurts to sit down. Big balls, you know?"

He laugheth, "What've you got up your sleeve this week? No one ever knows what you're going to say next! You keep everyone guessing. There's no one like you in New Zealand! You're not afraid of anything, or anyone. You're basically just really incredibly amazing."

I sayeth nothing because what can I add?

So he repeateth, "What've you got up your sleeve this week?"

I jutteth out my jaw, and blathereth, "Destiny Church will Cause Inmate Revolts in every Prison! My People, the Māori, are denied access to Destiny's Man Up anti-violence programme, an Indigenous Programme that works! Jacinda Ardern, I'm Warning You!"

The Lord God whistleth in awe, and I quizzeth him, "Which bit did you like best?"

And he answereth, "Just the way you use a lot of capital letters. Trump does the same."

I noddeth.

TUESDAY

And on the second day the Lord God sayeth unto Me, "So what response?"

I reporteth that Jacinda Ardern told the press, "We're obliged to make sure that when anyone is seeking to put a programme into Corrections that there's a procurement process, and my best advice is that Man Up has not gone through that process. They've repeatedly criticised the Government for not allowing them into prisons but then do nothing to formally make an attempt to put anything towards Corrections and enter into a process."

He stroketh his chin, and respondeth, "What do you make of all that, Brian? Does she have a point?"

I shruggeth, "I have the media talking about me, the Prime Minister talking about me, the whole country talking about me."

And the Lord God confirmeth, "You really are just so incredibly amazing."

WEDNESDAY

And on the third day the Lord God sayeth unto Me, "You look a bit hungry. Treat yourself to a slap-up meal."

I make my way to a table of pork buns, lamb chops, barbecued steak, chicken wings, roast potatoes, pasta, rice, cheese, crackers, fruit salad, ice-cream and jellybabies, and shovelleth the whole lot into my fat face. Yum-yum!

THURSDAY

And on the fourth day the Lord God sayeth unto Me, "You look a bit bored. Go and buy yourself something shiny."

I make my way to a motorcycle dealer, and resteth my fat bum on a 2018 Softail Deluxe Harley-Davidson in vivid black paintwork for $30,995. Brrm-brrm!

FRIDAY

And on the fifth day the Lord God sayeth unto Me, "Anyway, as I was saying, you're the most incredibly amazing person of all times, Brian. I mean just take a good long at yourself in the mirror. With your leathers on, or au naturel, as you prefer. Like what you see? You should! You're – and I don't say this lightly – a God."

And then Hannah came in and said, "You're talking to yourself again."