A principal, parents and a safety educator speak about the risks to children amid obsessive social media consumption. Video / Mike Scott / Carson Bluck
Parents share stories of children suffering depression and abuse linked to online platforms.
250 parents gathered in Cambridge to attend educator Rob Cope’s online safety seminar, which highlighted the dangers of social media, including bullying, exploitation and exposure to harmful content.
Cope is advocating for legislation to enforce child safety measures online, but Brooke van Velden emphasises parental responsibility.
Rob Cope is blunt in his assessment of social media – it’s polluting the minds of young New Zealanders and, in many cases, exposing them to serious danger.
The builder turned online safety educator and documentary maker says there are plenty of “horror stories” emerging around the country, including thesexual exploitation of primary-school-aged pupils by adult predators masquerading online as “friends”.
Online safety educator Rob Cope recently gave a talk about the complexities of children navigating the internet to a packed hall of parents at Cambridge High School. Photo / Mike Scott
Last month, 250 parents from around Waikato came to hear Cope talk about the ills of the internet during a presentation in Cambridge.
Among the school leaders at the presentation was Cambridge Middle School principal Darryl Gibbs, who is also the president of the New Zealand Association of Intermediate Middle Schooling (NZAIMS).
Daryl Gibbs is the principal of Cambridge Middle School. He regrets allowing his daughter to have Snapchat at 13.
He said obsessive use – especially at intermediate age – changes the way young people think and act.
“I think we have a lot more kids are disclosing that they have thoughts of hurting themselves. I think if they immerse themselves in the social media world, they see images of beautiful people and they think they’re never good enough, and they think that’s their whole life, and so their life never measures up,” he said.
He said he made his own mistakes as a parent after allowing his daughter to download Snapchat as a 13-year-old.
“We naively said, ‘Here’s your phone. Go for it’,” he said.
Gibbs only allowed his daughter, who had just started high school, to be connected to friends but that failed to prevent communications quickly turning toxic.
“It was three weeks before she got her first ‘you should kill yourself’ message,” he said.
“I just think it’s so important parents educate themselves before their children have access to these devices and tools because I work in this world where we learn things and we protect our kids, and I still made mistakes.”
We naively said, ‘Here’s your phone. Go for it’.
Gibbs is not alone in his concerns.
The Herald spoke to several other parents at the gathering in Cambridge, all of whom had worrying stories about their own children, or children they knew, suffering from depression, eating disorders, self-harm or suicidal thoughts after becoming immersed in seemingly harmless social media, messaging or gaming platforms.
‘She was on the precipice’
250 parents gathered in Cambridge to hear online safety educator Rob Cope talking about children and social media. Photo / Mike Scott
The parents of a 15-year-old, who asked not to be named, said their daughter began self-harming and developed suicidal tendencies after relentless online abuse from her peers. “She was on a precipice. It was very, very serious and nothing prepares you for this,” the girl’s father told the Herald.
Number one rule, no devices in bedrooms or bathrooms ever. The majority of all harm ... will happen in a private space
“I ended up homeschooling her because I needed to get her out of that school environment. It was not safe sending her to school,” her mother said.
Another parent, Rupert Kaye, spoke of a client’s daughter who was given a phone at the age of 13 and rapidly developed an addiction.
Kaye said the parents tried to moderate her use, but she reacted angrily and when they took the phone away completely, she stole one while at school, which led to police involvement.
“In the end, they got it off her and took her away from school, so she attempted suicide. He [the father] had to give up his job and his life completely changed because of his daughter and a phone,” he said.
Rob Cope, who hosted the event in Cambridge, said protections hadn’t kept pace with rapid advances in internet and device availability.
He said social media opened up avenues to bully and harass others with anonymity, but it also exposed people to dangerous and often vile content.
He said ubiquitous high-speed internet was the norm, as was the use of social media and gaming platforms.
“Back in the 1980s, we used to think it was funny to type ‘boobs’ into the calculator. A 6-year-old can spell boobs, and if they were to type that into their tablet on Google, guess what they’d get? It’d be porn.”
He feared children were increasingly desensitised because of the graphic material they could easily access and then share online.
“It’s not just porn – its violent extremism, it’s gore, it’s bestiality.”
‘Porn is normalised’
Online safety educator Rob Cope wants internet filtering in New Zealand homes to be made mandatory, and those under 18 to be issued with safe Sim cards. Photo / Mike Scott.
Rob Cope’s child online safety seminars are peppered with confronting stories ranging from how the consumption of violent pornography had been normalised, to child grooming and sextortion – although Cope reckons his talks detail just “middle of the road” online realities.
He said a parent told him recently she’d found her 8-year-old boy sexually assaulting his younger sister and later discovered adult content on his iPad.
“The parents found porn on his tablet. For some kids, when they watch that, the natural thing is to mimic what they’re watching on their younger siblings or the kid down the street.”
He said this wasn’t an isolated example with another principal informing him of two primary-school-aged children engaging in sexual activity while at school.
“It [porn] is normalised, so that child acts,” he said.
Classification Office research conducted in 2019 found 46% of porn videos viewed in New Zealand had “step-porn” narratives – where erotic scenarios involving step siblings or stepparents were acted out.
Videos depicting non-consensual scenes were also commonly viewed, according to the research.
‘Paedophiles hunt where their prey hang out’
Child sex abuse material is rountinely found on Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Roblox and TikTok
Cope believed one of the biggest risks was children being targeted by sexual predators on social media and gaming sites.
He said this had become a common issue when talking to school leaders and parents.
In one example, Cope said a principal discovered three 12-year-old pupils had sent nude images to the same predator after connecting with him on the popular gaming platform Roblox.
“They [paedophiles] hunt where their prey hangout and especially online because they can perfectly camouflage behind an avatar.”
I believe decisions about internet use are best made by parents.
He said parents should use filters, have screen time restrictions and never allow their children to be online in private.
“Number one rule, no devices in bedrooms or bathrooms ever. The majority of all harm that will happen to our children will happen in a private space, like the bedroom or the bathroom.”
He said the Government also had a role to play but had so far failed to step up.
Cope is pushing for changes and has drafted legislation called the New Zealand Child Internet Safety Act that he’s trying to get political support for.
He’s proposed making internet companies ensure all residential internet connections have built-in child safety technology, and that retailers sell two types of Sim card – one being filtered for those under the age of 18.
Retailers of internet-enabled phones or tablets would also be required to offer devices with built-in filtering for minors, and that parents have a duty of care to monitor a child’s browsing habits and ensure any existing Sim cards are replaced with one that’s filtered.
He believed implementing such changes would be “simple and straightforward”.
He’s suggested retailers, internet services providers and public network providers could be fined for non-compliance, and that an online harm prevention unit would be established to oversee enforcement.
Minister: ‘Not considering a law change’
Internal Affairs Minister Brooke van Velden. Photo / Mark Mitchell
Minister of Internal Affairs Brooke van Velden won’t introduce age limits for social media like the world-first laws passed in Australia or commit to making it mandatory to have internet filtering at home.
Rather, she is putting the onus on parents.
“I am not considering a law change to ban social media for those under 16 or require certain internet filters in New Zealanders’ private homes. I believe decisions about internet use are best made by parents, as each family is different,” she told the Herald.
She emphasised that safety improvements had already been made, including increasing the number of blocked web pages to around 30,000 sites.
The Department of Internal Affairs (DIA) had also introduced a new “hashing” database which helps better identify objectionable material.
The Herald revealed last week that extremist cult groups with neo-Nazi links had emerged in New Zealand and had targeted New Zealand children for sadistic and violent content.
Official information obtained by the Herald also showed referrals to police from social media companies about child sex abuse material or grooming was rising.
The DIA is also currently undergoing a restructure which will result in a management role being axed in the digital violent extremism team.
Labour’s foreign affairs spokesman David Parker believed action was required on the damage caused by social media but favoured putting the onus on mega-wealthy tech barons.
“I believe there’s a more fundamental issue as to the duty or the responsibility of those who make money out of this harmful product.”
Parker, who previously held positions as Attorney General and Trade Minister, said companies shouldn’t be allowed to hide behind a provision in telecommunications legislation that protected them when it came to hosting third-party content.
“It’s the exclusion of liability. That protects them from liability for the obvious harms they’re causing.
Michael Morrah is a senior investigative reporter/team leader at the Herald. He won the best coverage of a major news event at the 2024 Voyager NZ Media Awards and has twice been named reporter of the year. He has been a broadcast journalist for 20 years and joined the Herald’s video team in July 2024.
