NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather forecasts

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Budget 2025
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
    • Cooking the Books
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • What the Actual
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Sir John Kirwan: Depression made me a better person and a better parent

Simon Collins
By Simon Collins
Reporter·NZ Herald·
26 Sep, 2014 05:00 PM7 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

John Kirwan: Stand by Me
Sir John Kirwan speaks about why he wrote the book Stand by Me, he charts his personal experiences as a father, incorporating voices of young people today he examines issues around teenage mental health, with a focus on depression and ...
Video Player is loading.
Current Time 0:00
/
Duration 0:00
Loaded: 0%
Stream Type LIVE
Remaining Time -0:00
 
1x
    • Chapters
    • descriptions off, selected
    • captions settings, opens captions settings dialog
    • captions off, selected

      This is a modal window.

      Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window.

      Text
      Text Background
      Caption Area Background
      Font Size
      Text Edge Style
      Font Family

      End of dialog window.

      This is a modal window. This modal can be closed by pressing the Escape key or activating the close button.

      Autoplay in
      4
      Disable Autoplay
      Cancel Video
      Sir John Kirwan speaks about why he wrote the book Stand by Me, he charts his personal experiences as a father, incorporating voices of young people today he examines issues around teenage mental health, with a focus on depression and anxiety.
      NOW PLAYING • John Kirwan: Stand by Me
      Sir John Kirwan speaks about why he wrote the book Stand by Me, he charts his personal experiences as a father, incorporating voices of young people today he examines issues around teenage mental health, with a focus on depression and ...

      - Read an exclusive extract from Kirwan's new book, Stand By Me
      - Kirwan: Coping with stress should be on the curriculum
      - WHERE TO GET HELP: Scroll to end of the article

      Sir John Kirwan reckons he's a better person because of his experience of depression when he was an All Black. He's probably a better parent too.

      Kirwan, who turns 50 in December, now has three children of his own who are at or approaching the age at which his natural performance anxiety as an All Black spun into full-blown depression: daughter Francesca, 20, a student and professional volleyballer in Italy; and sons Niko, 18, and Luca, 15, both students at Auckland's Sacred Heart College.

      He is open in the book about his parental anxieties for them, and about the absence of simple answers. But his own experience has taught him the importance of simply being available and willing to listen and to try to understand.

      He writes that anxiety and depression for him were about fear of failing to live up to his own high standards: "I knew my life looked great, but I felt there was this huge gap between the way people saw me and the way I was."

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.
      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      His instinct was to "run away". He almost ran off the field during one game, and missed another game altogether.

      Over five or six years from the age of 20, he learnt gradually to identify the fear as just a feeling that couldn't harm him - to "cuddle the fear".

      "The last thing that ugly creature wants is a cuddle," he writes. "So grab hold of it and give it a cuddle - this breaks it down a wee bit and takes the fear out of it. If you can address and understand your fears, communicate them to the people who matter, and then 'cuddle' those fears, you take away some of their power."

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      Kirwan's children have spent most of their lives in Italy, where Kirwan started playing rugby in the off-season in 1985 while he was still an All Black. He later coached the Italian rugby team from 2002-05, and commuted from Italy to Japan to coach the Japanese team from 2007 until the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

      Sir John and his son Luca. Photo / Supplied

      He married his wife Fiorella in 1991 and the family lived in a 200-year-old villa in rural Treviso, close to her parents who are still there for Francesca.

      Kirwan wrote about a Skype call from Francesca in the book extract on this page to "show some vulnerability as a parent", to say "it's OK to be worried".

      "If it's just a homesickness and missing Mum and Dad but life's good, then as long as you're there saying the right things, in that case the wrong thing would be to say give up and fly home," he says.
      "But if it lasted a bit longer, the right thing to do might be to get on a plane and go up there or get her to come down. So it's just about the identification and what you do. I mean, there's no rules, are there?"

      His sons have had to adjust to life in New Zealand since their dad took the Blues coaching job two years ago.

      "Changing countries and stuff is not easy on the kids," he admits. "I tried to stand next to them and understand the emotions so that they had somewhere to go, and it was OK to not like it or discuss it."

      If he had never experienced depression, Kirwan believes, he would have been "a lot more self-centred and not as well balanced". He believes our society generally is too self-centred and too busy. "We are going the American way, so very busy," he says.

      Sir John's daughter, Francesca, is a professional volleyballer in Italy. He says changing countries "was not easy on the kids". Photo / Dean Purcell

      "I just think we need to get back to the fundamentals, which are family-based, so for me I think we need to be very careful to go this whole capitalism, commercialism drive to get the material things in life. I just think we all need to take a breath and say, 'OK, if that's the life I want, that's fine, but there are consequences.'"

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      In Italy, school starts at 8am and finishes at 1.30pm, and workers have a two-hour siesta from 1.30 to 3.30pm so the family has lunch together. Although that is not possible here, the Kirwan family still eats the evening meal together - with no cellphones during dinner. Kirwan writes that their most important emotional glue is shared vulnerability.

      "Because I'm vulnerable with my kids, they can be vulnerable back at me," he writes. "They're as involved in the Blues as I am, mentally," he says. "So discussing, 'I'm pretty upset we lost', or 'I'm pretty stressed about the team not performing as it should,' so taking them on the ride, so we share some of the load, so they're aware of it, and then I try to get time with them as much as I can."
      Often teenagers don't want to talk. But Kirwan has learnt from researching the book to give his teens full attention when they do talk.

      "I've been sitting around and he [his son] has come up and wanted to chat, so I'll just sort of drop doing all this and listen. You know, sometimes you've got to listen to another language, so you've got to listen to what they're saying to you, you've got to be there while they open up."

      When he is at work or away, he is available by mobile. "It doesn't matter how you communicate as long as they know that when they need to communicate, you're there."

      He has learnt not to minimise things.

      Sir John in his All Black days. Photo / New Zealand Herald

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      "I talk in the book about as you get older you see the whole house, but when you're a teenager you just see the room," he says. "For me it's about understanding the room, just digging a little bit deeper and trying to understand it a wee bit more, not 'You'll get over it.' Because right at that moment it's probably the biggest thing in their lives."

      Kirwan writes in the book that mental wellness comes from slowing down and taking time to be kind to others. In his own life, talking about his depression on TV advertisements and on the depression website has encouraged thousands of people to come up to him, in supermarkets, at airports or in the street, to tell him their own stories.

      As his son Luca said to him when he witnessed one of these moments during filming for the book's cover photo at a beach: "Gee, that must feel very special, Dad, when that happens."

      It explains how Kirwan could tell Sarah Daniell in 2012 that depression was "the best thing that ever happened to me".

      "I don't wish it on anyone, it was my worst nightmare," he says. "But through it I am a better, stronger, more compassionate person."

      Sir John Kirwan will speak about his book at Hamilton Boys' High School on Thursday October 9, 7.30pm, and at Kristin School, Albany, Friday October 10, 7.30pm. For more information CLICK HERE, or for tickets CLICK HERE

      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.

      WHERE TO GET HELP

      • Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)

      • Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)

      • Youth services: (06) 3555 906

      • Youthline: 0800 376 633

      • Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (4pm to 6pm weekdays)

      • Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)

      • The Word

      • Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)

      • Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155

      • CASPER Suicide Prevention

      If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

      Save

        Share this article

      Latest from New Zealand

      New Zealand|educationUpdated

      Watch: Erica Stanford promises 1600 more teachers, learning support staff by 2028

      22 May 10:11 PM
      New Zealand

      Kiwi rapist avoids 501 deportation from Australia

      22 May 10:00 PM
      New Zealand

      NZ Herald podcast wins top awards at New York Festival Radio Awards

      22 May 10:00 PM

      The Hire A Hubby hero turning handyman stereotypes on their head

      sponsored
      Advertisement
      Advertise with NZME.
      Recommended for you
      Watch: Erica Stanford promises 1600 more teachers, learning support staff by 2028
      New Zealand

      Watch: Erica Stanford promises 1600 more teachers, learning support staff by 2028

      22 May 10:11 PM
      NZ Herald podcast wins top awards at New York Festival Radio Awards
      New Zealand

      NZ Herald podcast wins top awards at New York Festival Radio Awards

      22 May 10:00 PM
      Kiwi rapist avoids 501 deportation from Australia
      New Zealand

      Kiwi rapist avoids 501 deportation from Australia

      22 May 10:00 PM
      'Incredibly excited': Red Cross Shop returns, seeks community support
      Rotorua Daily Post

      'Incredibly excited': Red Cross Shop returns, seeks community support

      22 May 10:00 PM
      New discovery in the fight against livestock facial eczema
      The Country

      New discovery in the fight against livestock facial eczema

      22 May 09:17 PM

      Latest from New Zealand

      Watch: Erica Stanford promises 1600 more teachers, learning support staff by 2028

      Watch: Erica Stanford promises 1600 more teachers, learning support staff by 2028

      22 May 10:11 PM

      The minister is speaking at Mt Albert Grammar in Auckland.

      NZ Herald podcast wins top awards at New York Festival Radio Awards

      NZ Herald podcast wins top awards at New York Festival Radio Awards

      22 May 10:00 PM
      Kiwi rapist avoids 501 deportation from Australia

      Kiwi rapist avoids 501 deportation from Australia

      22 May 10:00 PM
      Chris Luxon in studio with Newstalk ZB's Kerre Woodham

      Chris Luxon in studio with Newstalk ZB's Kerre Woodham

      Gold demand soars amid global turmoil
      sponsored

      Gold demand soars amid global turmoil

      NZ Herald
      • About NZ Herald
      • Meet the journalists
      • Newsletters
      • Classifieds
      • Help & support
      • Contact us
      • House rules
      • Privacy Policy
      • Terms of use
      • Competition terms & conditions
      • Our use of AI
      Subscriber Services
      • NZ Herald e-editions
      • Daily puzzles & quizzes
      • Manage your digital subscription
      • Manage your print subscription
      • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
      • Subscribe to Herald Premium
      • Gift a subscription
      • Subscriber FAQs
      • Subscription terms & conditions
      • Promotions and subscriber benefits
      NZME Network
      • The New Zealand Herald
      • The Northland Age
      • The Northern Advocate
      • Waikato Herald
      • Bay of Plenty Times
      • Rotorua Daily Post
      • Hawke's Bay Today
      • Whanganui Chronicle
      • Viva
      • NZ Listener
      • What the Actual
      • Newstalk ZB
      • BusinessDesk
      • OneRoof
      • Driven CarGuide
      • iHeart Radio
      • Restaurant Hub
      NZME
      • About NZME
      • NZME careers
      • Advertise with NZME
      • Digital self-service advertising
      • Book your classified ad
      • Photo sales
      • NZME Events
      • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
      TOP
      search by queryly Advanced Search