Sideswipe: May 2: First, there were snakes

Extra horsepower.

Why women really wear heels

Women have confirmed they only cram their feet into tall pointy shoes so they can make a delightful clip-clop sound as they walk. Ladies agreed that balancing on their toes and a narrow spike for as much as the evening as they can manage is worth it to enter rooms like an adorable miniature pony. Fashionista Hannah Tomlinson said: “Men have long been mystified by women’s decision to hobble around on little stilts and assumed it was for them. Dead wrong. The noise makes women feel purposeful and productive. Why shuffle around silently when instead you can sound like a trotting thoroughbred doing important dressage? They just want to feel like the fillies they loved in embarrassing books they read as teenagers.”

Excuse me mate, what number is this place?

House numbers for the short-sighted.

Confessions

“As a teenager, I worked in the kitchen at a nursing home. One morning a fly flew into the porridge. I tried to scoop it out but just pushed it deeper. Never found it and the porridge was served.”

“We have a mate who’s a drinking liability. We’ve been ‘reverse-spiking’ him for years. We get him a non-alcohol pint and tell him it’s some beer he hasn’t heard of. Only works because he’s tight. Not sure about the ethics but our nights are so much better when we do it.”

“I hated peas as a child so my mother would hide a pea in my roast dinners every Sunday. Every week I would finish my dinner, then victoriously leave the solitary pea alone on the plate. I’m 44 now and yesterday she confessed that she actually used to hide two peas.”

“As a parent, I envisaged instilling my children with confidence, compassion, love and intelligence. Instead, they’re short-tempered, passive-aggressive and riddled with anxiety like their parents.”