Shaneel Lal: The default is no longer heterosexual

It no longer makes sense to assume that everyone you encounter is non-queer. Photo / Unsplash

Many assume that people are heterosexual by default and gay by coming out. I often get asked when I came out and how my parents responded to the news. I do not have a coming-out story, and when I tell people that, my response usually underwhelms them. It is harder for them to understand that I do not believe that queer people should have to come out to be queer.

People tend to think that if someone has not announced their sexuality is different from heterosexual, then they must be heterosexual. Queer folk are expected to go through this ritual of sitting people down, explaining their sexuality and begging that the people they’re coming out to love them still. I cannot think of a logical explanation for why queer people are expected to come out to non-queer people.

I have always treated my queerness like my brownness. They are both two natural parts of who I am. I never had to come out brown. Imagine this, I sit my parents down and say, “Mum, Dad, I hope you still love me, I am brown,” and my mum would yell, “Anything but brown! Give him diabetes or cancer! A heart attack! Anything but brown.” It sounds ridiculous because it is. Having to beg people to accept you for something that is a naturally occurring part of you is absurd.

Heterosexual people never have to come out. They never have to sit their parents down, explain that they are heterosexual and beg for their love after coming out. My sister brought home a boy, and my cousin’s brother brought a girl to a family function without ever explaining their sexuality to anyone. No one expected them to either. I wonder why people expect me and other queer people to have a coming-out story.

Wouldn’t it be odd if society assumed that everyone is gay unless they declare otherwise? Maybe it made a little sense to think everyone was heterosexual unless they said otherwise before the 80s. According to Stats New Zealand’s annual Household Economic Survey in 2020, approximately 4 per cent of 60-64-year-olds identify as queer. That is a small proportion of people. This group grew up when homosexuality was a crime and at the height of the Aids pandemic that killed many queer people. Naturally, very few people in this age group identify as queer.

The queer population is younger than the general population, with more than 54.2 per cent under 35. Self-acceptance is drastically different for younger people. Approximately 12.3 per cent of 30-34-year-olds, 19.4 per cent of 25-29-year-olds and 22.5 per cent of 18-24-year-olds identify as queer. Almost a quarter of people in my age group identify as queer, and I expect that these percentages will only increase with every generation. It no longer makes sense to assume that everyone you will encounter in a day is non-queer. Gone are the days when you could create a circle with only non-queer folk.

I understand some people find coming out to their family an essential part of accepting themselves and see it as an opportunity to help their family understand who they are. They should be able to do that because they want to, not because society expects or forces them to.

Queer identities, like non-queer identities, are normal. No one would need to come out if society stopped building closets around people. A part of normalising queer identities is to treat them like non-queer identities. If non-queer people do not have to come out, neither should queer people. Coming out felt like seeking approval from non-queer people to be queer. I don’t need anyone’s permission. I am not asking for it either.

Shaneel Shavneel Lal (they/them) was instrumental in the bill to ban conversion therapy in New Zealand. They are a law and psychology student, model and influencer.