Rugby World Cup Road Trip: Keep calm and carry on

It's no time to panic. Photo / Matt Johnson

Opinion

No one disputes the fact medical science has made huge progress over the course of the 20th century. And perhaps even more in the last five days.

Only on Monday, Disprin brought out extra-extra-extra strength Disprin - the headache equivalent of a disposable razor with sixteen blades. Just thinking about it makes your head hurt. Then on Wednesday, surgeons and staff at Saint Teresa's Hospital for people trapped in the 70's successfully performed the world's first sideburns transplant.

Mother and child are both recovering well.

Yet if news filtering through from the Global Institute for Communicable Diseases (plus others that refuse to talk) is anything to go by... these success stories may soon count for little. Over the next 48hrs, New Zealand will be facing its greatest medical challenge since SARS swept into a woolshed in Murchison and created sheep flu: How to stop Australia from giving us the SHITCS.

Naturally present in their human carriers across the Tasman, SHITCS (or Southern Hemisphere Irritable Too Cocky Syndrome) antibodies cause symptoms such as chronic overconfidence, bleach-blonde hair (everywhere) and over-talkativeness - syndromes so commonplace in Sydney they are considered harmless.

But in instances where Australians have given New Zealanders the SHITCS, the effects of such an infection can be immediate and dramatic. And also pretty stink. Only this morning, several people collapsed frothing at the mouth in Queen Street.

The Ministry of World Cup Semi Finals has now issued the following diagnostic manual with a watch list of classic case SHITCS:

* Morbidity & Twitchiness

* Loss of Appetite

* Bi-polar score predicting

* Low level depression that results in a higher than usual Pineapple Lump consumption - unless you just lost your appetite (see above)

* Heightened sensitivity to sports journalism as well as Australian TV channels, accents, hairstyles or any adverts featuring cutaway photos of the top of Shane Warne's head.

It appears that a whole raft of previously mysterious illnesses can now be attributed to having a case of the SHITCS.

So far, no cure is known. Or available. The only alternative is to keep calm & carry on. And under no circumstances are you to give any Australian you meet the bash.

Hopefully, that will happen on Sunday.

* Follow Matt across New Zealand at his RWC Road Trip blog or on twitter @KeaKaharoadtrip.

* Bid on Trade Me for your chance to win pieces of the Kea Kaha-Mobile, with our WHEN KEAS ATTACK auction.