Real Life: Todd Muller on how National leadership tested his Catholic faith – ‘My prayers weren’t being answered’

Todd Muller says his short-lived leadership stint and the ensuing public fallout “fundamentally changed me” and contributed to his decision to leave politics. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Todd Muller says his Catholic faith was deeply tested during his ill-fated 53-day stint as National leader, revealing he “really struggled” with the fact his prayers during a self-described mental breakdown “weren’t being answered”.

But Muller, who will step away from Parliament following this year’s general election, says the hundreds of people who have reached out to him after he spoke publicly about his mental health struggles show that “maybe there was a plan after all”.

In a frank interview on Newstalk ZB’s Real Life with John Cowan on Sunday night, the outgoing Bay of Plenty MP described his faith as something “I protect and hold very, very tight”.

But he said it was put to the test during his brief tenure as leader of the Opposition in 2020, when he had been “praying vociferously to be released from the spiral that I was in” to no discernible effect.

“I would pray to be able to get some sleep and couldn’t. I’d get two hours of sleep and then wake up and just simply could not go back to sleep,” he said.

“It was, frankly, a terrifying slide. I was really struggling with the fact that those prayers weren’t being answered.

“But interestingly, now, when I look back over the last three years, hundreds and hundreds of people have reached out and talked to me – because they can, through Facebook and in the street and in emails – and I think maybe there was a plan after all.”

Muller was appointed leader of the National Party in 2020, ousting the underperforming Simon Bridges. But his stint as the Opposition’s figurehead lasted just 53 days before internal leaks and mental health issues prompted his shock resignation, and he was replaced by Judith Collins.

For now, Muller feels “pretty peaceful” about his exit from Parliament. Photo / Alex Cairns

He says his short-lived leadership stint and the public fallout that followed “fundamentally changed me”, and ultimately contributed to his decision, announced in March, to step away from politics for good.

“These things aren’t like flipping a switch. You don’t have a week off and then suddenly it’s all back to normal again – it takes a while to rebuild and build up resilience,” Muller told Cowan.

“The scale of the roles that you take up if you’re sitting around a Cabinet table, and the commitment that you have to give in terms of your energy and your time, I felt was just too much.”

While politics has pushed him to his personal limit, Muller has been buoyed by the response from New Zealanders encouraged by how open he’s been about his struggles.

“The impact for me of having a breakdown, as severe as it was, and climbing slowly out the other side and being willing to share it, has meant that so many people have reached out,” he said.

“I’ve had these one-on-one conversations and it’s been really powerful for me.”

For now, Muller feels “pretty peaceful” about his exit from Parliament. He wants to use his “energy and skills to assist people” while “managing a bit of work-life balance at the same time”, and doesn’t plan on doing anything political.

But he knows that despite his new career direction, he knows a National Party victory at the election may have him thinking about what could have been.

“But it’s a bit of a dead end to spend a lot of time reflecting on that. You’ve just got to walk away and accept what has been.”

Real Life is a weekly interview show where John Cowan speaks with prominent guests about their life, upbringing, and the way they see the world. Tune in Sundays from 7.30pm on Newstalk ZB.