We're entering that time of year when I remind people to be kind to atheists. Remember, Christmas capitalism has room for all of us.
Yes, I'm an atheist. Not one who's evangelistic about it. No, I'm more your garden variety non-believer who's confident that when you're dead the lights go out. See you later.
I am far from alone. Yet, despite this, most of my fellow New Zealanders celebrate Christmas like they were fresh out of divinity school.
Not me, baby. I regard Christmas as a total no-go zone. Even if I were a pious pew pusher I still can't imagine condoning the orgy of consumerism, and buying into the endless sinkhole of ever more garbage waiting to be binned.
Though I haven't partaken in Christmas for decades, this year the very thought of it has nudged me to nausea.
When I pointed out on Twitter that the Secret Santa schmozzle was making my skin crawl, I was quickly bombarded with "Grinch" and "Bah humbug". Or, "we just like making others happy" and various versions of the same sickly sentiment.
What is it about my irreverence for something I simply don't believe in that gets others going? Even if they don't believe in it either?
The last census revealed less than half of us claim some sort of Christian affiliation, with 47.7 percent ticking that box. Just on 42 percent say they are non-religious.
In the main, Kiwis are not very interested in a person's thinking on the God front. New Zealand remains healthily secular. It's one of the good things about living here.
Today, those living among us who are Christian tend not to enjoy having it pointed out that they pinched a perfectly pragmatic winter solstice festival. It was an infiltration designed to convert pagans to Christianity, while letting them keep their fatty feasts, boozy high spirits and gift giving. It worked a treat.
Because here we are in 2016. The planet is burning in front of our eyes but we're still going to buy those gifts, damn it! Because the world's a grim and depressing place, so shut up and let me do this for strangers, as well as friends and family. I want to make them smile. Don't judge me!
But I am going to judge you, and judge you hard. Strap yourself in.
If you're not consciously thinking about this stuff, then you're part of the problem.
Study after study shows that consumption now dwarfs population as the main environmental threat on earth.
Indeed, most of the extra consumption has so far been - but is rapidly changing - in wealthy countries that have long since stopped adding substantial numbers to their population. Like us.
Moreover, is it making anybody happy? Will those carefully wrapped presents in all their plastic glory keep anyone deeply delighted for more than an hour or two? Let's be honest with ourselves.
Sure, I get that you want to please your kids but, really? Is this the way to go? Is there not an argument for opting out of this madness and telling them why?
I'm sure that most Secret Santa fans (and many bog-standard Xmas worshippers) are sane, rational human beings. They're among the first to jump on social media and lament the loss of hundreds of species a day, or the vast inequality and poverty we see in our own country and around the world.
Except ironically, there appears to be this huge disconnect about what causes these events. Capitalism will literally be the death of us, our children, and humanity. But still we turn away, avert our eyes and do little to change the perfect storm bearing down on us.
It's getting beyond urgent but, hey, let's all have a cutesy cultural norm of a festive season. The economy depends on it, and the unequal wealth generated from it needs to be distributed to the usual suspects. Growth, growth, growth!
While you're sitting around the tucker table and raising a glass to family, all misty-eyed about how much you care about future generations, raise the subject of just how serious climate change is becoming. How the Arctic ice is melting as quickly as the ice cream left out of the freezer by Uncle Bob. See how that conversation goes down.
They'll call you "Grinch" and tell you to just enjoy the day. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. Which is exactly how we got into this hellbeast of a planetary mess.
Me? Like every year, I'll be with my significant other eating egg sandwiches while drifting lazily on glistening water in a kayak somewhere.
That doesn't make me better than you. It just makes me honest. I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in buying more crap.
But, hey, you have a good one!