Toby Manhire: National leader speeches - the lost scrolls?

Deputy Prime Minister Bill English after his stand-up press conference. Photo / Mark Mitchell

After facing relentless and unsustainable pressure from his own boredom threshold, John Key announced this week that he is quitting as Prime Minister and CEO of New Zealand.

He swiftly anointed Bill English as his successor, leading to suggestions that Bill English would be effortlessly crowned Prime Minister. It soon transpired that Judith Collins and Jonathan Coleman would put their names forward to the National Party caucus, ensuring there would be a brief distraction before Bill English was effortlessly crowned Prime Minister.

And so it will be Bill - our first English Prime Minister since Walter Nash - but what had the other candidates, along with the pair who have announced they're running for deputy, Paula Bennett and Simon Bridges, been preparing to say to their parliamentary colleagues in Monday's caucus meeting?

My ruthless, shadowy, hackster informant Lambshank - who has refused to answer questions this week about whether or not he was John Key all along and just wanted something to keep him awake during the last election - has wetsuited up and plunged deep into the hard drives of the pretenders, thieving digital files containing draft speeches.

Because it is 2016, I have done nothing to verify the authenticity of these documents but they seem about right to me.

They are excerpted - and note the surname clustering, which proves irrefutably that those early on the school roll are given a big advantage in life - in alphabetic order below.

English Bill can count himself lucky, especially, that Collins never did get a chance to make her case.

Paula Bennett

I'm about love, basically, you know? I'm about love and I'm about people. With Paula, you get what you see: a people person. I'm a person, I'm a people, and I love it!
(High fives round room, party poppers, etc)

Also I love Bill. He's going to be so great. He's a Southern man. I'm a Westie woman. I'm the fluffy dice to his cheese roll. He's English Breakfast, I'm Lion Red. He's very good with a calculator, I'm available for breakfast radio.
(Do Gagnam Style or whatever is latest thing, staff please check)

Simon Bridges

Stop and think for a minute, okay? Gateshead Millennium. The Tess Viaduct. Battersea. What are they, ladies and gentlemen? They are English bridges. What are they? They are solid, they are reliable, they get you over things you wouldn't otherwise be able to get over, or at least not without a significant and inconvenient detour. And I'm telling you now: English Bridges is the future of the National Party.

(Wait for applause, prepare response in case someone mentions eg London Bridge burning down)

What this party needs is youth and experience. And I am the only candidate before you today who has a chauffeured ministerial limo and gets asked for ID down at New World. I am big and I am small. I am an insider on the outside. I am a newborn fossil, I am a barking cat, a deafening silence, a modest genius. I am Marvegemite.

Jonathan Coleman

Look, at the end of the day New Zealand needs fresh leadership. A new generation, or more to the point, a regeneration of John Key, someone who is pretty much exactly what he was 10 years ago, except a doctor. I am a doctor.
(Hand out Cohibas)

So, look, let me tell you a little something about myself. I pretty much grew up in a state house in Christchurch, my refugee mother working two jobs to keep the family going.
Worked overseas for a while then settled back in New Zealand. I'm a doctor. And, look, I've discussed my run for the leadership with my wife, Bronagh, and the kids - even Moonbeam Smokey Fluffy had a wee purr about it - and it just feels like we're on the cusp of something special. And I'm relaxed about that.

So vote for the doctor, vote for regeneration, vote for Team JC, not that JC, this JC. Vote for me, Jon C. Did I mention I'm a doctor?

Judith Collins

I respect John, no one respects John more than me. But New Zealand needs vision, not wishy-washy you know what, believe me, right? It's time for Kay, or Key whatever it is, who is fantastic by the way, I love him, but it's time for him to go off and be a brand ambassador or a helicopter pilot in Canterbury, it's true, it's true, right? Right? It's time, believe me, it's time for a righter future. Let's make New Zealand chafe again.
(Eyeball every member in the room, one by one)

No one loves wetlands more than me, but let's drain the swamp Kauri. The base. Vision. The elites and the establishment, by the way, and Crooked Billary.

Bill English

Colleagues, hello. The Cabinet Manual sets out that a change of Prime Minister may occur because the incumbent Prime Minister resigns, or as a result of the retirement, incapacity, or death of the incumbent Prime Minister.
(Squirt water out of clown flower)

In appointing a new Prime Minister, by convention the Governor-General accepts the outcome of the political process by which an individual is identified as the leader of the government.
(Leap on desk, perform burlesque routine)

As you know, I am a passionate man. Passionate about investment-driven growth cycles. Passionate about underlying inflation. Passionate about fiscal headroom. To underscore my commitment to prudent expenditure, I propose simply to Twink out the "deputy" on my business cards.
(Do pencil up nose and out ear trick)

In conclusion, I respectfully request that you support me, Simon William English, to fill the vacancy left by John Philip Key, who inexplicably became bored.

Winston Peters

(Wearing toga)
That's right, sunshines. With all due respect, you are getting sleepy, so sleepy. Your eyelids are feeling heavy, demonstrably heavy.