The 2015 NZ Politics Christmas Songbook

Blonde is the new gold. Illustration / Rod Emmerson

Fill a mug with mulled wine, crumble in some of that pricey Nurofen sub-brand tailored for soothing festive stress, and gather around the piano for a carol singalong, led by Snark, the Herald’s Angel Singer.

A Winston Wonderland, feat Northland MP Winston Peters

Bus horn toots, are you listening?
Here he comes, eyes-a-twinkling.
An immortal sight, in Northland tonight
Walking in a Winston wonderland.
Gone, disgraced, is Mike Sabin
Bridges, Joyce, they are ravin'.
Smile bright as the moon, he'll be PM soon
Walking in a Winston wonderland.

Do They Know It's Christmas, feat Prime Minister John Key

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be grumpy
At Christmas time, hardworking New Zealanders head to their baches on Hawaii
And in the Bay of Plenty, they're on the cusp of something special
Throw your arms around the fern, at Christmas time.
But say a prayer, and pray for the other ones
At Christmas-time, they're banging on about climate change and child poverty and all that instead of having fun
There's oil off Taranaki, and the parents are on drugs
There are cow-fart scientists sciencing, and there's ponytail hugs
And the Prime Minister's goofing over breakfast radio
Shower pissing, urinal cake sniffing, it's a pinot rodeo
Well at the end of the day thank god it's him instead of some bore.
Lead the world! Feed them Christmas pantomime! (repeat x100)

While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night, feat Foreign Minister Murray McCully

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
Lick on a desert shrub
The angel of Allah came down,
Said, "Ew, gross agrihub."
"It's all in aid," Murray did soothe,
"Of trade pacts with the Gulf."
"Ewe must be mad," the angel said.
"You having al-Khalaf?"

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, feat Labour leader Andrew Little

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas, made it through the year.
Built the biggest frontbench in the hemisphere.
Have yourself a Merry Christmas, Little, bury that review
Don't relax, though, any day could bring a coup.

O Come All Ye Faithful, feat Labour MP David Cunliffe

O Come All Ye Faithful,
To a barbecue in Herne Bay, mid-January, BYO.

Judith from Papakura, feat Minister for Corrections and Police Judith Collins

Judith from Papakura
Had a very shiny car
But it was not a Bimmer
Didn't come with a driver
Then one hazy summer day,
John Key came to say:
Crusher, with your eyes so fierce
Give Serco chapter and verse.
All of the other punters
Mused on her recovery
But frankly it was fated
Given she is called JC.

Three Kings, feat Labour MP Phil Twyford

In Three Kings, Orientals are
Buying houses like candy bars
It's not racist, but this place is
Swamped with Chinese name data.

Fiscal Bells, feat Finance Minister English Bill

Fiscal bells, fiscal bells, automatic stabilisers all the way
Oh what fun it is to pursue a programme of ongoing responsible fiscal management on a sleigh being pulled by the Salvation Army.

A Green Christmas, feat Green co-leaders Metiria Turei and James Shaw

We're dreaming of a Green Christmas
With every heartfelt press release
Where the tofu glistens,
and dolphins listen
to naturopathic recipes.
Rap interlude:
One L, One L, One L, One L
Gone is the former King Norman Russel.

Ding dong merrily, Oh, Hi, feat Act leader David Seymour

Ding dong merrily - Oh, Hi!
Epsom doorbells I'm ringing.
Ding dong down the pub there's Sky
For breakfast rugby watching.
See-ey-mour-or-or-or, See-ey-mour-or-or-or, See-ey-mour-or-or-or, See-ey-mour, but my first name is David.
Bing bong baubles not for me
For David's a free spirit
If that's OK, Mr Key?
Without you, we are finished.
See-ey-mour-or-or-or (contd)

Fun King John, feat Prime Minister John Key and Minister for Heaps Steven Joyce

Fun King John he once looked out
On focus groups of Steven
Hoping he might discover
Something to believe in.
Breakfast shows went well, said Steve
At least, karaoke
Respondents were not so keen
On the prison soap scene.

The Little Drummer Boy, feat Annette King

Come they told me (Pa rum pum pum pum)
Be long-term deputy (Pa rum pum pum pum)
A reborn Annette King (Pa rum pum pum pum)
Then they muttered something (Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)
Stand down from Rongotai (Um Um, What the um?)
Little beatify (Pa rum pum pum pum)
This drum is mine to give (Paraparaumu)
Cast-offs from New Plymouth (Pa rum pum pum, etc)

Any Spirit or Not Bless Ye Or Not, feat Race Relations Commissioner Susan Devoy

God bless ye merry gentlemen
And all ye ladies, too
Or if you're somewhere in between
God's sure to bless ye, too
And when I say "God", I be clear
Whate'er it means to you
Oh tidings of tolerance and self-determination, self-determination (etc)

Sergeant Claus Is Coming to Town, feat Police Commissioner Mike Bush

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why.
Sergeant Claus is coming to town.
He's drafting a warrant, and getting it signed. He's going to find out who's naughty or nice. He doesn't like your face.
Sergeant Claus is coming to your house.
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good.
Safer communities together.

Last Christmas, feat pop blogger Wham Slater

Last Christmas, I sent you several dozen texts
But the very next day, you threw your phone away.
This year, to save me from tears
I've sent sad emojis to Judith.

The Fairytale of Auckland City, feat Mayor Len Brown

I was handsome, I was pretty, Mayor of Super City
When I sang in te reo, they howled out for more
The railway manning, and unitary planning
We kissed on the corner; and then on the mouth.
The lights on the CBD Sky Tower
Emblazoned Auckland's bays
Then alarm bells, they rang out
In the Ngati Whatua Room.