Terry Sarten: With Hubris Unlimited you're special ... and the rules don't apply

Transport Minister Phil Twyford has admitted using a cellphone on a plane after the doors were closed.

Hello – call for you from Hubris Unlimited.

Thank you. I will take this call even though I am in a plane that is about to take off.

Hello – are you sure you want to take this call right now? You will have seen the inflight safety instructions and watched the airline staff wave their arms and demonstrate what do if you suck all the air out of the cabin?

I have, but being a politician and a minister I am beyond the rules that apply to others. Please connect me with Hubris Unlimited as I have a few things to say to them.

Hello minister. As a relative newcomer to our product we are interested in your feedback on how Hubris is working for you. Can you please tell us how often you have found Hubris to be useful?

Yes — I am using your product right now and am finding Hubris simple to operate. It allows me to ignore the rules that apply to everyone else without any side effects at all.

Do you not event get a small twitch of guilt or shame? Mind you, this side effect is usually not felt until after the Hubris has broken down and been exposed to the media.

That is my main gripe about Hubris — the media don't like it when it is evident, so I do try to conceal it in various ways.

And how do you do that?

I find Hubris lifts my spirits when riding in a ministerial limousine as nobody can see the smug look on my face through the tinted windows.

You mentioned you have some things to say to us about Hubris?

Yes, indeed I do. When I put Hubris over my ego, it is a bit tight round the portfolio. Is there a bigger size?

They usually come as a one size fits all — a bit like a stretch and grow. A number of world leaders, CEOs of multinationals and some of your fellow politicians do have Hubris in Extra Large.

Excuse me – I have another incoming call. It's a member of the Opposition and she has a question for you.

Yes .... hello Hubris Unlimited. Is there a gender specific manual for using Hubris?

At Hubris Unlimited we do not discriminate on gender, height or religious grounds. Hubris can be used by a wide range of people. Can you give me an example of what you mean?

OK, just say you wanted to be noticed in Parliament because nobody was talking about you in the media. Just say you then threw a wee tantrum, castigated the Speaker and stormed out. Would that be a good use for Hubris? It did get me noticed but, in hindsight, I might have come across as a bit of a wally.

This is not a problem — Hubris does that to people. Just accept this way of behaving as a right. Hubris Unlimited does not recognise any boundaries or limitations.

But what if Hubris actually damages my image and reputation? I could take Hubris Unlimited to court for failing to meet its obligations to protect me from the consequences of my actions.

Ahem ... Hubris Unlimited takes no responsibilities for how their product is used once it has been taken out of the box.

Both: Oh dear, we are in trouble now. What should we do?

I would try an apology, perhaps even a resignation. On the back benches you can develop our new product called Hubris by Proxy, a sort of pyramid scheme in which you pass Hubris up until it trips up the fortunes of another and gradually you work you way back as their Hubris self-destructs under pressure from the media. Hubris Maximus!

*Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, satirist, musician and social worker — feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz