Barack Obama: Oh look. There's John.
Malcolm Turnbull: John who? Don't tell me it's John Howard! Christ! I wouldn't be surprised! It'd be just the kind of stunt that arsehole would pull! Sneak into Apec, high-five everyone, and then announce he's leading a coup to replace me as Prime Minister! Well if he thinks that's the way democracy operates in the lucky country, he's got another thing coming!
Obama: No, I meant John Keys.
Obama: John Keys. He's the Prime Minister of New Zealand.
Turnbull: Well, I suppose someone has to.
Obama: Good guy.
Turnbull: Wonderful guy.
Obama: The best.
Turnbull: A champ.
Obama: So do you actually talk to the New Zealanders?
Turnbull: Well, as little as possible. Because where's the advantage? I remember Keys sidled up to me once and said, 'Excuse me, but if you have a moment, do you think we could discuss the situation of New Zealanders detained at Christmas Island?', and I said to him, 'Mate, they're a bunch of rapists. What's there to talk about? And he said, 'Fair call'.
Obama: He's very agreeable like that.
Turnbull: Do you actually talk to the New Zealanders?
Obama: I'm actually very fond of John Keys. We play golf together. He's become a good friend, and an excellent caddy.
Turnbull: What do you talk about?
Obama: Well, it's complicated. It involves surveillance, very high-tech stuff, we're talking the NSA's XKeyscore system, and some of the FBI's top men, guys working out of Virginia.
Turnbull: Oh you mean this whole attempt to bust Kim Dotcom.
Obama: How did you know?
Turnbull: Well, it's a Hollywood operation, and you know what they're like. They can't keep a secret. Word got out ages ago that Hollywood put pressure on the US to bust Dotcom. At first we didn't believe it, we just thought it was a conspiracy theory, another one of those nutty things that Mel says.
Turnbull: Gibson. But then we heard the same thing from Nicole, Cate, Hugh, Russell Crowe.
Obama: Russell Crowe's not Australian.
Turnbull: Bullshit. Course he is, and so are Crowded House, Phar Lap and Lorde. So what did Keys say when you told him about the big raid on Dotcom?
Obama: He was grovelling in a bunker at the time. He just said, 'Sure'.
Turnbull: He's very agreeable like that.
Obama: Yeah. The raid went well but the extradition has been pretty drawn-out. There's finally closing arguments at the court this week.
Turnbull: Have you got your top people to prosecute it?
Obama: No, we hired some New Zealanders.
Turnbull: Good luck with that.
Obama: I know, right? Oh, hell. He's coming over.
Turnbull: He looks upset.
Obama: We're all grieving this week.
Turnbull: Paris. God almighty.
Obama: John! John, good to see you. You know Malcolm of course. How are you? Are you okay?
John Key: No. I've just had some bad news.
Obama: Is it about Dotcom? It better not be about Dotcom.
Key: It's about Richie. He's quit the All Blacks. He's stepped down. It's over. And you know what that means.
Obama: What does it mean?
Key: It means now it really is the end of the day.