KEY POINTS:
"Wouldn't want her in the trenches next to me." - Owen Glenn (Order of Merit) offers his assessment of the Prime Minister on Thursday morning.
They do say civil wars are the most bitter of all. But there's no call to bayonet the wounded, Mr Glenn, old
chap.
Especially when your target is the commander herself. What involvement the PM had in the various skirmishes that occurred during the battle of Owen's Glenn isn't clear.
We know she was Mentioned in Dispatches for her enigmatic role in various hush-hush Special Ops behind enemy lines. But we had no opinion of her conduct under fire till Private Glenn (now back in the ranks) offered us his.
And it's come as a shock, to be fair. In a country where standing by your mates and being staunch remain core values, the suggestion you're not welcome in the trenches is one that would crush the toughest amongst us.
We owe the wounded a duty of care. Before rushing to judgment and inferring some Prime Ministerial LMF (lack of moral fibre), we should ask: "What about the other parliamentary troops? Would we want any of them beside us in the trenches? And how would we rate them if they were?"
Let's start with Michael Cullen: Not a bad bet, you'd think. He's a good sniper and likes taking potshots. Which could mean the enemy would keep their heads down.
But ol' Doc Cullen's bitchy trigger finger might also see them calling up their big guns and lobbing some shells his way which, allowing for your adjacentness, would mean you'd cop a bit of collateral damage too. 4/10
Bill English: The problem with Bill is, he wouldn't be beside you, he'd be behind you. And you'd never know what he was doing. 3/10
Tariana Turia: Well, she does have a military pedigree what with her Dad being a GI and all. And she'd keep you awake if you pulled a late-night sentry duty, boring you rigid with interminable tales of past injustices and holocausts.
Not as combative as the gung-ho Mr Hone Harawira, who's always leading some Charge at the White Brigade. But, win or lose, when the shooting's over, it'd be Tariana you'd want negotiating the Treaty. 7/10
Margaret Wilson: Close, but not beside you because every order would be like a bomb going off in your ear. 2/10
John Key: We need to tread carefully here. Young Johnny could be our next Commander-in-Chief and there's no point demoting yourself in the Honorary Consulate department.
But there's a snag with John. His recent service suggests he'd arrive in the trenches and occupy the position you already had. Which could put you in a hotter spot - or keep you out of trouble. 5/10
Jeanette Fitzsimons: Who wouldn't want a Green Beret alongside them? Except that Jeanette would've knitted her own - out of recycled lentils perhaps - and it would come equipped with noisy combat pollution sensors that could give your position away.
Still, there'd be no obesity in the ranks and the Mess would only stock really healthy low-fat rations like kung-tofu, No-Bully Beef and peace and ham soup. 4.25/10
Parekura Horomia: Fantastic if you ran out of sandbags. And the kind of guy you'd happily follow into no-man's land. Much better in front of you than alongside, especially if you had Gerry Brownlee protecting your rear!!! 9/10
Trevor Mallard: Trooper Trev could be the man. As Tau Henare's aware, he's no slouch in the hand-to-hand combat department and knows a few commando-style moves with beer bottles. 7/10
Sue Bradford: No. Imagine you're in one of those John Wayne movies where a brave soldier finally cracks. Well, if that was Sue you couldn't even smack her and say, "Pull yourself together, man!" 1/10
Mike Williams: (Not in Parliament but close.) Apparently, a "Name, Rank and Serial Number" bloke. He certainly hasn't cracked when interrogated about his chats with the PM on the matter of Winston's well-laundered loot. But, if Private Glenn's right, Mike did ask for a job so he might eventually buckle.
Heck, it's not like he's short of work, what with all those gummint boards he's on. 3.5/10
Rodney Hide: His dancing experience would be great if someone in the Concert Party pulled a hammy. Then there's the yellow jacket. If that didn't attract enemy fire, nothing would. And when they're shooting at Rodders, they ain't shooting at you!!!!! 7/10
Winston Peters: Okay, you're surrounded. Out of ammo. Backs to the wall.
Through the fog comes a voice: "Achtung, Kiwis! Throw down your arms. Zat iz an order!!!" Immediately, Winston holds up a sign saying NO. Plus, the man's astonishingly elusive under fire.
He can't be pinned down or brought down. A master of disguise, his stealth coating means he can elude sinister forces by becoming invisible at the drop of an affidavit. And even when he's dead he won't surrender.
Alas, he's inclined to shoot himself in the foot and, come memoir time, he'd be the star of every war story. 8/10
