We’re at the business end of negotiations to form the next government - and not before time.
Newshub has even begun live streaming a slowly decomposing cauliflower, goading the three governing parties to come to a deal before the network’s star brassica decays to an extent it can no longer be broadcast before the watershed.
A similar gag by the British tabloid, the Daily Star, which pitted then British Prime Minister Liz Truss against a lettuce saw the lettuce win after six days: can Christopher Luxon and his two partners do better?
The three negotiating partners have pulled two tricks on the public. The first is that despite statements to the contrary, the three parties have been negotiating fairly regularly since the election nearly three weeks ago.
The second was that the promised post-official count clarity from Luxon has decidedly not materialised.
The final result now public, Luxon hasn’t budged an inch from the opaque “doing things differently” line he’s been running since polling day.
National’s negotiating team is more or less the self-anointed “brains trust” that gathered at leader Luxon’s home the day after the election. Alongside Luxon is deputy Nicola Willis, chief of staff Cam Burrows, and president Sylvia Wood. They’re joined by Paul Goldsmith, Simeon Brown and Todd McClay.
The team has been meeting fairly regularly with members of NZ First and Act in Auckland and Wellington, with negotiators switching hotels to throw any enterprising journalists off the scent. Not all of National’s negotiators have been in each meeting. Some deal more with one party than another.
Act’s team comprises deputy leader Brooke van Velden, chief of staff Andrew Ketels and a member of the board.
By now, National should have a clear idea of what the other two parties want. Friday’s results were not a seismic shift. Prior to the final count, Act leader David Seymour told the Working Group podcast that a three-party arrangement was the most likely outcome - a fair observation. It was always unlikely National and Act would gamble on the tiny majority delivered to them on election night, all Friday’s results did is take this off the table.
NZ First leader Winston Peters himself said on The Platform that things are different this time. He’s promised not to go with Labour. Negotiations are only happening on one side of the aisle, not both, as was the case in 2017.
“I’m only negotiating with one side, so to speak, and that’s why we can expedite this,” Peters said.
To expedite things, Peters wants National and NZ First’s chiefs of staff to get in a room to thrash things out - an unlikely suggestion given the other parties want their leaders involved.
It would also be advantageous for the three parties to do at least one round of negotiations together, rather than National being forced to negotiate bilaterally with Act and NZ First.
Already, this country’s small constituency of aspiring Kremlinologists are speculating as to whether Luxon called Peters first on the receipt of the final tally at 2pm, or whether he snuck in a two-minute call to Seymour before getting on the blower to Peters at 2.02pm (by Peters’ recollection).
On the campaign trail, Luxon repeatedly stressed he would only pick up the phone to Peters if he had to. Post-count, Peters’ appears have snuck ahead of Seymour in the order.
Peters’ comments suggest talks could wrap up fairly quickly. Time needs to be allowed for each party to go through its constitutional process of approving a deal.
National and Act have to put their deals to their respective boards. In reality, the party’s respective caucuses need some (albeit minor) say on the deal, given they have to live with it for the next three years.
NZ First’s deal goes to the caucus and board to be approved.
Can all of that be wrapped up in time for Newshub’s brassica to make a delicious, and (more importantly) untoxic, cauliflower cheese? Quite possibly.
Thomas Coughlan is deputy political editor and covers politics from Parliament. He has worked for the Herald since 2021 and has worked in the press gallery since 2018.