Politicians return to Parliament armed with new jokes

Prime Minister John Key in Parliament. File photo / Mark Mitchell

After two months off, the politicians returned to Parliament today and trotted up for the first Show and Tell armed with a new harvest of jokes and characters ranging from Dr Strangelove to Dr Dolittle.

Prime Minister John Key kicked off the debate by taking aim at Labour leader Andrew Little. He had counted his calendar and discovered Mr Little had now been leader for 84 days. "In 1873, Jules Verne thought he could get around the world in 80 days. Well, in 84 days, Andrew Little hasn't even got around his caucus. He hasn't even got around the four people who voted for him." He announced Mr Little had had the grand total of two ideas in that time: Maori sovereignty and the Future of Work Commission. "He's going to hold a workshop about what a job is. That is a novel concept for a Labour MP, I'm prepared to admit that."

"He isn't Andrew Little. He's Dr Do-Little," Key crowed, clearly quite stoked with his own wit.

That done, Key moved onto delivering a backhanded compliment to Little, saying despite this apparent lack of action he could be deemed a success. "Why? Because he isn't David Cunliffe. That is the reason Project Little is working."

Mr Cunliffe meanwhile could only sit lonely as a cloud in the third row, frantically busy feigning indifference with his head bent over some paperwork.

Key then moved on to sing of the wondrous magnificence of his own government, declaring the "infrastrucksha" better, and the masses "more wealthier" healthier and less likely to be mugged than seven years ago. He did not mention any eyesore of a convention centre.

Little rose to respond. He was clutching typed out notes which were rapidly discarded. Advisers be warned. He delivered his verdict of Mr Key's speech: "That was typical of the Prime Minister. Nasty, petty. He's had two months on the beaches and he's come back with nothing more to offer."

He suggested Smith & Caughey's might want to get the National government on a retainer, such was its skill at window dressing. "They're nothing but window dressing."

Then he moved on to the little fish. First term National MP Todd Barclay had enjoyed his summer, Mr Little said. "[He] went on a voyage of discovery. He discovered his electorate." Next up was another first termer, Chris Bishop. "Chris Bishop went kayaking and wound up a bit like his political career: hard up on the rocks."

He moved up the rankings to aim at Bill English and his surplus and Nick Smith "the Dr Strangelove of the National Cabinet. He's got a great plan. He's going to reform the RMA in ways we don't know about."

Then it was on to serious matters: housing in Auckland. His case study was the woeful plight of a young Auckland couple in their 30s who had returned from their OE with the money for a deposit on a three-bedroom house. "But they now have a mortgage. And you know what the mortgage is? $750,000! $750,000 for a first home buyer!" He scoffed at the business case for the SkyCity Convention Centre: "Because the market for international conventions down the bottom of the world is so big. They're falling over themselves to come down here!"

But Little's oratorical flow was swiftly interrupted by Mr Speaker the minute he wandered on to the topic of former MP Mike Sabin. After a second attempt, the Speaker warned he would truncate Mr Little's speech for him.

Little turned his attentions back to window dressing, Dr Strangelove, the plight of the couple in Auckland "terrified they're going to lose their jobs", and the "Masters of the Universe" - Bill English and John Key. He moved on to the more serious topic of Islamic State. Finally he wound up with a rallying cry about National "fiddling and faddling".

NZ First leader Winston Peters then unveiled his nickname for Key: "The Minister Famous for Forgettery." But his real final shot came after he left the debating chamber. He stood before the cameras and microphones and announced he thought the Prime Minister was dying his hair.