Peter Bromhead: Panda express

A portrait of the artist as a Fiat Panda driver. Illustration / Peter Bromhead

As part of a project on city commuting, I've been evaluating the economic and social value of small cars.

In particular, I've been scrutinising a pair of twin automobiles manufactured by Fiat. I call them twins because both models share mechanical and body parts.

Without indulging in the usual motoring correspondent technical jabber, I should mention that such vehicles seamlessly fall into place as sensible commuting runabouts, as they're being offered with a revolutionary two-cylinder turbocharged engine that returns a remarkable 4.2l per 100km travelled.

One of the two is a no-nonsense, mini 4-door boxy-looking newcomer called a Panda, while its twin brother, the retro-styled Fiat 500, is a familiar sight on our roads.

I took delivery of a Panda for a week's commuting with some caution, cynically believing that Italian design is traditionally full of promise, as long as it doesn't involve any moving mechanical parts.

However, this diminutive car turned out to be a joy to drive and easy to park, and because it's shaped like a miniature bread van, it proved to be very functional.

But alighting from this utilitarian box on wheels in Parnell swiftly exposed the Panda's limitations.

A lady of my acquaintance jeered from the footpath, "You'll never get any sex from anybody driving that thing." I responded with a weak smile, not bothering to point out that at my somewhat advanced age, I would probably still be registering a big fat zero in the frolicking department even if I were behind the wheel of a flame-red Lamborghini.

Another Herald columnist, after spotting me parking the car, stingingly observed on her Facebook page, "A Fiat Panda. It doesn't exactly smear you with testosterone."

So an interesting set of wheels, highly praised by international reviewers, with one of the lowest CO2 recordings and best purchase prices for a European car (under $15,000) clearly doesn't cut it with the opposite sex.

I'd be tempted to buy one, but being perceived as totally impotent might present psychological problems, however strong my desire to reduce my pollution footprint.

When I raised this dilemma with the caregiver, she surprisingly thought purchasing a Panda was a good idea. "Buy one in 'retirement beige,' or 'slipper brown' - colours that suggest you've reached some sort of pinnacle in automobile ownership," she chortled.

"What about the opinions of those Parnell ladies?" I nervously asked.

"Think of that as merely another challenge," she smirked.