Paula Bennett: On feeling guilty about Cyclone Gabrielle

The extraordinary destruction left by Cyclone Gabrielle on the East Coast. Photo / Supplied

Guilt is a horrible emotion. I fail to see any part of it that does you any good, except perhaps reminding you that you have a heart and feel something. If not checked, it can eat away at you and is corrosive.

My way of dealing with guilt is to confront the issue causing it. If I feel guilty about a sharp unintended comment, or an event I missed that I really should have been at, then I will own up and apologise and move on. I don’t need to apologise often these days. I have grown up and I have learned to save my sorrys for when I really need them.

I feel guilty most of the time at the moment. Guilty that I am tired and grumpy and fed up. Irritable, sad, robbed of a summer and just generally feeling flat.

Then the guilt sets in. I cry in front of the telly for the firefighter, his family and his community. I struggle to take in the devastation that floods and cyclones have caused. I can’t comprehend the clean-up and effects that will be felt for months, if not years to come.

How can I feel flat and over it all when I wasn’t directly affected? I have no right to struggle to get out of bed in the morning and face another day. Some people don’t even have a bed to get into let alone out of.

How can I be fed up with it all when, unlike so many others, I don’t have to worry about my house, deal with insurance or worry about family and friends? I am good at pretending; smile on my face, wear a bright colour, dig in and get on with it. I know that with a little time and self-care, these feelings will pass and I will be all right.

I know so many others who have told me they feel the same way. We whisper it to each other and immediately feel guilty when we have suffered so little. To be fair, I have dealt with more than just weather events in the last few weeks, the death of my father in January knocked me around a bit. Then the guilt sets in again, he had a good long life and I got to hold his hand as he passed peacefully, so much better off than so many others.

Maybe we all need to give ourselves a break at the moment. Acknowledge how we feel, talk to others and then just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. For those that are suffering, know that we think of you, we feel it with you and in this great nation of ours as we pull together you are not alone.