KEY POINTS:
Fearfulness can make parents desperate about their children finding the "right" career path, but the job of parents is "not to find the occupational solution but to help the child, over time, grow to know and understand themselves better so that they can see clearly their own occupational
answers", says Dr Heather Carpenter in her very readable book, The Career Maze.
Carpenter describes this important process as "joining of the dots". Ideally, the dots start joining in childhood through family conversations and behaviour relating to self-belief, perseverance and aspiration.
Parents also need to be aware of the nature of work in the 21st century - a time of quickly evolving workplaces where careers are unpredictable and skills need to be regularly updated, adds Carpenter.
She writes from a background of parenting her own children, as well as career consulting, counselling and educating. Parent to a blended family of four children, Carpenter has experienced a range of decision-making approaches from her children, including one son telling her he had no idea what he wanted to do but would work it out when he was ready.
"It took him until he was about 24 to start training as a sports massage therapist, and he loved it. He was quite clear at 18 that he just wanted to explore the world, so pressuring him was pointless. Instead he worked in different areas, realised what he did and didn't want to do and wasted no money on the wrong training."
She had to have faith that he knew himself. Her bottom line was that he held down a job. "Your biggest fear is that they're not working."
Indeed, says Carpenter, research increasingly suggests adolescence is lasting into the late 20s.
"It takes longer for some young people to decide who, how and what. Readiness doesn't kick in until the mid-20s for many."
Many commentators remark on how age norms for major life events have become more elastic. Middle age stretches way beyond the 40s; marriage and family extends into the 50s.
"So the discovery and exploration years have become greatly extended - and I have many young people tell me that they feel much better when they hear that," Carpenter writes.
"They believed they were supposed to know by 21 at least what they were going to do, and many find themselves still wondering at 25 or 26."
Finding the right "fit" in career choice, including the right work environment, is essential for satisfaction, says Carpenter.
"Time spent exploring and evaluating job environments will lead to job search energies being directed in the right areas."
Those children who don't go straight into university can be exercising good judgment, although there is a difference between exploring and drifting. To avoid drifting, young adults need to be able to reflect on what they learn from their work experiences and parents need to encourage conversations about that, says Carpenter.
Self-knowledge is another important aspect of career development, and the book has a couple of chapters dedicated to the subject.
Younger children need to be encouraged to take the best lesson out of every experience and develop "the ability to adapt, bounce back from unexpected setbacks, and to retain a high degree of belief in one's capacity to cope with change".
When discussing career ideas, it is tempting as a parent to dismiss ideas that don't "fit" in your head for your child, but it is important for parents to instead ask questions such as: "Can you learn those things? Do you want to learn them? How would you fit in that role?".
When it comes to making career choices, research is clear that parents are a major influence, good or bad.
Putting your own bias and prejudice about certain career paths upon your children does not help. Nor does overlooking characteristics or potential talents in your children because they are not ones you value, writes Carpenter.
Many young people worry about disappointing their parents; yet in trying to please them they often end up pleasing nobody - least of all themselves.
"You need to allow them their own aspirations because then they will do better. I recall a Thai student who was doing exactly what his parents wanted; they chose everything and he simply plodded through his degree, just passing but with no real success or interest."
The boy told Carpenter that he was just hanging in to get his degree for his parents and then he was going to go off and do what he wanted.
She acknowledges young people are often reluctant to share their emerging adult identity with their parents and that makes it difficult to have deep conversations.
"However, the research is clear that they do want to talk to parents as people they trust, who can help them make connections about all that is out there."
* www.thecareermaze.com
