Parents keep tech tabs on kids

Jan Strijker and his son Maarten. Photo / Herald on Sunday

More than half of parents keep an eye on their children by checking their social networking online and nearly a third snoop at text messages on children's mobile phones, according to a new poll.

The survey of 500 parents, conducted for the Herald on Sunday, with children aged under 20 living in the Auckland region queried the rules they had for their teenagers regarding sex, alcohol use, the internet and mobile phones.

Most respondents who checked on their children's technology use did so out of curiosity, to keep up to date, check language was appropriate and to watch for bullying.

One example was Theresa McCabe, who discovered a nearly empty vodka bottle in her son James' room and started paying closer attention to the 15-year-old's Facebook use, scouring photos for signs of drinking.

"That was a bit of a wake up," said McCabe, a police officer from Waitakere who, like many parents, is struggling to find the right balance raising her teenager.

"You can't be too loose and you can't be too tight." said McCabe. "You don't want to be blind, either."

Some text messages revealed secrets. "I found out about all sorts of things - friends' pregnancies, drugs, sneaking out, drinking etc," said one respondent.

Jan Strijker, 49, an entrepreneur of Browns Bay, said he never monitored the phones or social networking sites of his 19-year-old daughter Nynke and 16-year-old son Maarten.

They have an open relationship and he knew what was going on in their lives.

Strijker said he had never grounded his kids. His 16-year-old was not yet allowed to take alcohol to parties. His daughter was 18 when she first got drunk and he was at the party where it happened.

Nearly two-thirds of parents polled would not allow children to take alcohol to parties until they were 18.

Strijker has not imposed an age limit when his children can have sex. He talked to them about it, emphasising the importance of sex as a special part of a solid relationship.

McCabe's son is allowed to have his long-term 16-year-old girlfriend sleep over and although he has told his mother that they are not having sex, one of McCabe's greatest fears is that his girlfriend will fall pregnant.

"I've talked to my son but I guess kids are going to tell you what you want to hear," she said.

"I'm probably avoiding what is probably happening. You hope to God he's being honest and it's not happening. I thought I'd get him involved in sports and that's what he'd do and he'd stay away from it until he was 21 or something."

The majority of parents polled thought it was acceptable for young people to start having sex in their late teens - 16.1 per cent said it was okay when teenagers reached the age of 16 or 17 and a further 48.2 per cent gave their approval between the ages of 18 and 20.

Denzil Rodrigues, 41, a supply chain manager of Avondale, had a different view for his daughters Rebecca, 15 and Rachel, 10. He wanted them to wait until they were married to have sex.

Rodrigues, who is from India and lived at home until he married at the age of 23, said his viewpoint was cultural.

"In this country, the institution of marriage does not exist. People end up having kids with multiple partners and then there is no direct taking responsibility of your kids."

It is a condition of Rachel having a phone that Rodrigues checks up on her texts. He said he had not discovered anything untoward.

Child and family psychologist David Stebbing said parents who needed to check on their children's technology use should be upfront about it and explain the reasons.

"If you start from a position of mistrust you are fuelling the fire for a relationship breakdown," said Stebbing.

The survey was a non-scientific poll of APN and Herald on Sunday readers.