COMMENT: Steve Braunias makes an emojiological analysis of the Prime Minister's appearance on Newstalk ZB this morning.
O the joys and woes of being Prime Minister! One minute you're swaying your hips for the cameras in the lovely warmth of Tokelau while the world gazes with adoration at your picture onthe cover of Vogue, as chosen and commissioned by Her Royal Highness Meghan Markle the Princess of Trans-Atlantica; the next minute you're back in New Zealand, there's a serious sex scandal rocking the Labour Party, the cops have gone feral at Ihumātao, the weather's gone all to hell – and worst of all, you're stuck on the phone for your regular Tuesday morning convo with Mike Hosking.
It's paramount that the Prime Minister keeps her cool and shows every sign of being at ease and in control when she makes media appearances. There is but one emoji to maintain: the one with a smiley face, round and yellow and all good, expressing the optimum vibe of inane happiness. Simon Bridges is very good at this – perhaps too good, to the point where he may very well be inane.
But good cheer and happiness was entirely absent during Ardern's 10-minute interview with The Hosker on Newstalk ZB this morning. Her appearance was an emoji trainwreck, and it crashed every time that the Prime Minister called the ZB talkback host by his first name.
She said it 11 times.
Make a beeline for the Beehive
Get weekly politics headlines with commentary from our political experts straight to your inbox.
Trained observation of the Prime Minister's appearance this morning has resulted in the following emojiological analysis of the 11 times that Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said "Mike" to Mike Hosking.
MIKE ONE
The interview began when Hosking asked about the Labour Party's internal investigations into claims of sexual assault.
Q. How many people have quit your party as a result of this investigation into the bloke who may or may not have sexually assaulted someone?
A: I'm going to have to be pretty careful answering that question, Mike.
Emoji analysis: Said through gritted teeth, her first Mike expressed a fearful emoji
Fearful emoji
MIKE TWO
Hosking kept pressing due to Ardern's reluctance to say anything substantial.
Q: How many people have specifically quit the party?
A: I cant give you verified numbers, Mike. Also, Mike, as you'll appreciate, this is a matter for the party.
Emoji analysis: Two Mikes! Both were said by someone who less than a minute into the interview was sounding at the end of her tether, expressing an angry emoji
Angry emoji
MIKE THREE
Hosking kept pressing due to Ardern's reluctance to say anything substantial.
Q: Why wouldn't you inquire into it personally seeing as this is a matter which has come back to bite you this morning?
A: It's not appropriate for me to undertake a personal investigation into a complaint, Mike, and I don't think you'd believe it would be.
Emoji analysis: Ardern regained a sense of calm with her third Mike and sounded firm but in control, expressing a neutral emoji
Neutral emoji
MIKE FOUR
Hosking changed the subject to City Rail.
Q: What news do you have for us this morning of the CRL?
A: I did actually have a conversation with the Mayor around the issue we talked about last time, Mike, of businesses experiencing hardship.
Emoji analysis: Firmly in control, this was the friendliest Mike to date, expressing the optimum emoji of inane happiness
Inane happiness
MIKE FIVE
Ardern suggests that Hosking put his CRL questions to Phil Twyford.
Q: He doesn't want to talk to me! He's gone off me in a major way.
A: People who have gone off you, Mike, will still talk to you, you'll find.
Emoji analysis: Now this was Ardern's most deeply felt Mike of all the 11 times she said Mike, but what did it express, exactly? Ardern replied somewhere between a laugh and a tone of deep, profound loathing. Our board of emojiologists have gone for the emoji expressing Satanism
Satanic emoji
MIKE SIX
Hosking switches the subject to Ihumātao.
Q: So you injected yourself into the conversation before you left for overseas and now you're saying you're not part of the conversation, is that right?
A: I actually wouldn't call it arbitrary, Mike.
Emoji analysis: Hosking hadn't actually said it was arbitrary. Ardern's answer once again reverted to impatience and obvious dislike, expressing another angry emoji
Angry emoji
MIKE SEVEN
Hosking kept pressing due to Ardern's reluctance to say anything substantial.
Q: You were saying it was the government's issue, now you're saying it isn't?
A: We can play a role in facilitating a solution. There's lots of examples of that, Mike.
Emoji analysis: Ardern really bit off that "k" in her seventh Mike, upping her impatience and dislike to the status of really angry and red-faced emoji
Very angry emoji
MIKE EIGHT
Hosking switches the subject to the Kiwibuild reset, and whether it will incorporate the Greens policy of rent to buy. Ardern replies, "We'll have more to say about that down the track."
Q: When?
A: Down the track, Mike. Stay tuned.
Emoji analysis: Ardern has had enough of this conversation, and expresses a sick and tired emoji
Sick and tired emoji
MIKE NINE
Hosking kept pressing due to Ardern's reluctance to say anything substantial
Q: Does that mean between now and the next election?
A: It means soon, Mike.
Emoji analysis: Ardern has had enough of life on Earth, and her ninth Mike is said by someone who has lost their mind
Lost-her-mind emoji
MIKE TEN
Hosking kept pressing due to Ardern's reluctance to say anything substantial.
Q: So it will be delivered before the next election, then?
A: Mike, stay tuned.
Emoji analysis: Like the fifth Mike, Ardern replied somewhere between a laugh and a tone of deep, profound loathing. Our board of emojiologists have once again gone for the emoji expressing Satanism
Satanic emoji
MIKE ELEVEN
Hosking switches the subject to the proposed cancer service. He asks when it will be announced, and Ardern actually replies by saying something substantial: "By the end of August." But then she qualifies it, and says that's when the government will release a cancer action plan.
Q: And will that include the national cancer service?
A: It will include what it includes, Mike.
Emoji analysis: Hosking's line of questioning has stripped Ardern of her humanity, and her eleventh and final Mike now sounds like it comes from a galaxy far, far away. The Prime Minister has become an alien species
