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Home / New Zealand

Steve Braunias' Secret diary of Trevor Mallard

Steve Braunias
By Steve Braunias
Senior Writer·NZ Herald·
10 May, 2019 05:00 PM3 mins to read

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Trevor Mallard gave Simon Bridges and Nick Smith red cards this week. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Trevor Mallard gave Simon Bridges and Nick Smith red cards this week. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Steve Braunias
Opinion by Steve Braunias
Steve Braunias writes for the Listener and Newsroom.
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COMMENT:

MONDAY

I didn't hear Jane come home. I was in the kitchen, whistling, and turned around to get eggs from the fridge when I saw her.

"Oh!", I said.

She laughed, and said, "Did you have a fight?"

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I said, "What do you mean, a fight?"

She came closer, and said, "No, I asked if I gave you a fright."

"Oh," I said, and laughed. "No. Hello, darling. How was your day?"

I poured her a glass of wine. She took it and sat in the lounge, and said, "You look thinner."

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"Thanks. Do you think so?"

She got up and walked back into the kitchen. "I asked what was for dinner," she said.

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"Oh," I said. "Sorry. It's the hearing aids. I got on to the app today and turned the volume down a bit."

"Maybe turn it back up," she said.

I whisked the eggs. Actually, I think I do look a little bit thinner. Sometimes you hear what you want to hear.

TUESDAY

"Order," I cried all day long in the House, until I gave myself a headache. "Order! Order!"
I looked out at a sea of angry faces.

"Mr Speaker!" they roared all day long. "Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker!"

I stood for silence but really it was just for relief.

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When I sat down again, the noise just got louder, and louder, and I looked over at Simon Bridges, who started making barnyard noises - he was a cow, a sheep, a horse, he made all of those noises, plus I'm sure he also bleated like a goat, so I ejected him, threw him out, gave him a straight red card.

When I got home, Jane poured me a glass, and I checked the settings on the app. Maybe putting it on maximum was a bad idea.

WEDNESDAY

I threw out Nick Smith, and suspended him, too. Annoying fellow!

THURSDAY

Winston Peters is always such a joy in the House. Marvellous fellow!

FRIDAY

The boss called. "Tough week," she said. "Just checking you're all right?"

God, I love Jacinda! Who doesn't? I laughed, and said, "I'm all good, thanks!"

She said, "Don't let those accusations of bias get to you. You're as fair as can be."

I said, "What accusations? What are people saying?"

"Well," she said. "You know. Just that you're a biased Speaker. Stupid talk like that."

"Oh," I said. "I haven't heard a thing."

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