We Three Things

feat Jacinda Ardern, Winston Peters and the one from the Greens

We three things of Government are
Tuneful as a three-stringed guitar
Motivated, youth adjacent
Following Cinda star
*
O! Stardust wonder, stardust light
Hundred day and hundred night
Leftward leaning, still proceeding
Guide us to thy perfect light
*
Jacinda Ardern solo:
Just a kid from Moh-orrinsville
Keen to help out Andy Little
It's not hubris, to just do this
Truth is that I quite like Bill
*
James Shaw solo:
Great Together, I believe in
Speak the truth – that is how we win
Metiria, great co-leader
Popped in the recycling bin
*
Winston Peters solo:
Had enough? Too right they had
Status quo was very bad
Need a deadline? Watch it, Sunshine
Covfefe, believe me, sad!
*
O! Stardust wonder, stardust light
Hundred day and hundred night
Leftward leaning, still proceeding
Guide us to thy perfect light (I'm waiting for it, I want it)

Almost Christmas time. Illustration / Rod Emmerson
Almost Christmas time. Illustration / Rod Emmerson

We Wish you a Merry Christmas

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Feat Bill English

We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And would just note in passing that the National Party won more votes than anyone and yet is not in government which a lot of ordinary New Zealanders will find surprising as they approach their Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
And it's important to point out that it has been a bit rich listening to the Labour Party's self-congratulation, while ordinary kiwis know it was the National Party's prudence that provided such a Happy New Year
Oh, bring us spaghetti pizza,
Oh, bring us spaghetti pizza,
Oh, bring us spaghetti pizza,
On a cheesy crust base.

Gareth the Red Mo'ed Reindeer
As sung by Gareth Morgan

Gareth the Red Mo'ed Reindeer
Had a very small ego
But all the lipsticked reindeers
Were a bunch of thick bozos
*
Gareth tried every approach
Called them dumb and dim
Still he wound up barbecued
Roadkill venison

Fiscal Spells
As sung by Steven Joyce

Dashing through the sand
See some feeble joggers lame
You could stop and give a hand
Or keep laughing all the way
Ho-ho-ho
*
Bill got up again
Focus groups look bright
What fun it is to start digging
In a graveyard late at night.
*
O! Fiscal spells, fiscal spells
Fiscal hole, OK?
O what fun it is to ride
When you're running the campaign.
*
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture, or just let it slip?

Winston Wonderland
As sung by the Deputy Prime Minister

Fake news shills, are you listening?
Winston's back! Mane is glistening
A beautiful sight, kingmaker tonight
Walking in a Winston wonderland
*
Pin stripes fly, and they strangle
All the mothers of scandal
Double-breasted suit, a tardis car boot
Walking in a Winston wonderland
*
In the meadow we can build a strawman
Then pretend that we are under siege
They'll say, "Are you allied?" We'll say, "No man"
And Seven Sharp will have to air my speech.
*
Later on, down the Parrot
Coalesce over claret
To face unafraid, the plans that we've made
Walking in a Winston wonderland

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Do They Know Ambitious?
As sung by Judith Collins

Ambitious time, and there's no need to be afraid
Ambitious time, we let in light and cast some shade
And while we love spaghetti, we can crush up something new
Get your cutlery prepared
It's business time.

So This Is Christmas
As sung by Peter Dunne

So this is Christmas, and I'm Peter Dunne

Once In Loyal David's Constituency
As sung by David Seymour

Once in Loyal David's Constituency
David knocked on every door
Found a mother with a baby
Ticked her off, cause she was poor.

Little Drummer Boy
As sung by Andrew Little

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
Just a new deputy, pa rum pum pum pum
Must replace Annette King, pa rum pum pum pum
Anyway you know what happened after that and it's all fine now.

Mārie Te Pō
As sung by Don Brash

Mārie te pō, tapu te pō
Marino, marama
Ko te Whāea, me te Tama
Tama tino, tapu rā
Moe mai i te aio
Moe mai i te aio.
--
This is my last weekly Herald column, if you can call it a column. Many thanks for your company and forbearance, and Merry Christmas.