At the end of a mostly miserable week in the news, the only sensible course of action was to telex my loyal outlaw confidant Lambshank in the hope that she had come across entertaining tidbits to share while idly hacking the online correspondence of major world figures.
The Charlie Sheen stuff was jawdropping, but lawyers strongly advise against publishing. Instead, we're left with John Key. Here are some highlights from his Yahooinbox ...
John. Thanks for the pictures from Vietnam. As it happens I was there, too. In fact, I was standing right beside you. But no bother. Please find attached the latest strategic notes, complete with new polling and focus group data, the OK (Ordinary Kiwi) algorithmic analytics and an impenetrable, foul-mouthed tirade from Lynton.
In short: plenty of pics with Obama. No more mention of rapists. Trade. Watch overspending on the Rebstock market. Trade. Consider emoji working group. Trade. Don't tuck in your Apec pineapple shirt. Make a joke about quite liking pineapples but preferring kiwifruit.
- Steven Joyce (I'm beside you)
Dear John. You asked for a briefing. But what is a briefing? I don't know. What I can tell you is that a number of New Zealand citizens detained on Christmas Island are returning to New Zealand. I do not know where they are returning to, nor their number, nor their names. What I can tell you is they are travelling by plane. Certainly an aircraft. It's a transport mode. Let's say a vehicle with contents is travelling from one place to another place. All right?
I don't know what will happen next. Life is a patchwork of mystery. But what I can tell you is the ex-convicts are expected to attract the biggest media throng at a New Zealand airport since the All Blacks returned with the Webb Ellis trophy. I don't know whether Guy Williams will be there, but what I can tell you is I hope he will. He's so funny and tall.
- Amy Adams
Look mate, I like you, and full credit for giving 110%, but the answer's still no.
- Richie McCaw
This is an automated reply from the Office of the Prime Minister of Australia, The Hon Malcolm Turnbull. We acknowledge receipt of your message, subject header: "Malco we need to talk about the detainee thing bloody pronto mate". Owing to the high volumes of messages received, we are unlikely to be able to respond immediately, but we hope to reply to most messages within ten (10) working days.
- Office of the Hon Malcolm Turnbull
Dude. You were wearing that paisley tie last time you met Barack. Random.
The plan is working perfectly. You're doing really well pretending to ignore me, and I'm pretending I'm mad with you and starved for attention. Soon we can launch phase two and smash some more of the bastards. You're really good at pretending. You are pretending, right?
- Cam Slater
Kia ora and cheery Manila good morning to you. Back home in the world's ninth most liveable city there's been a bit of a to-do, a hoo-ha, a furore, if you will, over my plans to head to the climate chinwag in Paris - La Ville Lumiere, I believe they call it - do you hear the people sing, singing the song of angry men, that sort of thing - anyway the point being that there's some criticism along the lines of, "Len mustn't go, he's not going to be the mayor for much longer!" And I think what they're trying to say is, "Len should be the mayor for much longer!" So I'm wondering if I should stand again after all. What do you think?
Sorry, wrong number.
- Judith Collins
Dear Prime Minister. Sir, I am under the proverbial hammer. The milk prices are down. The Saudi sheep controversy has once again reared it head. The media are insatiable. Insatiable, I tell you. But you need not be concerned, sire. No. For I am a rock. I am a fortress. I am one of those claw vending machines full of lovely fluffy toys. No one can get anything out of me.
- Nathan Guy
Here are some more panda gifs.
Sorry, mate, didn't get a chance to read your earlier email but let's talk cricket, let's talk pink balls. Pink balls! Or, in your case, punk balls, am I right? Hahahaha. Punk balls. Let's do a bet and the loser of the Adelaide test has to wear a pink hat in Parliament, yeah? Or, in your case, a punk hat, am I right? Hahahaha.
Jonah's great Macca's win
There have been many moving tributes and memories to Jonah Lomu this week. Apart from being a transcendent rugby player and splendid human being, however, he was also an awesome eater. And so, as a frivolous footnote to the obituaries, here is a different kind of scoreboard, from his autobiography Jonah - My Story, written with Warren Adler:
"Once professional rugby arrived, fast food became a bit of a no-no on tour. Still, there were always times when the boys managed to slip out quietly for a feed. During the 1999 World Cup in Britain I remember a few of us heading down to a McDonald's in Worcester. I was hungry - super hungry. Justin Marshall was sitting opposite me and he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw my tray. 'You'll never get through that, Jonah. That's impossible,' he said. An hour or so later I had finished and Marshie was absolutely astonished. He was fishing through all the wrappings to see if I'd hidden any food. From memory, the count was: two Big Macs, two Quarter Pounders, two Filet-O-Fish, two McChickens, fries, large drink - oh, and also a 20-piece pack of McNuggets."